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Please begin with an informative title:

I was planning on dropping this announcement into the nearest passing open thread, but I realized that it has an import beyond the news it imparts.

Intro

You must enter an Intro for your Diary Entry between 300 and 1150 characters long (that's approximately 50-175 words without any html or formatting markup).

This afternoon, Crashing Vor and cv lurking gf were officially pronounced Vor and wife.

Yes, yes. Thank you. Very kind.

It wasn't much of a ceremony, following the wishes of the bride and groom. Just the officiant (my buddy Clark Vreeland) and two witnesses. Maybe two minutes, tops. Then we hit the grill.

Thinking of how to announce the happy news to folks here, it struck me: how easy was that? We went by the county courthouse, showed 'em our drivers' licenses and birth certificates, paid fifty bucks and went to Clark's house to do the deed. Easy peasy.

All in a state where, if both of us possessed the morphic layout the other sports, we could not have wed for a million bucks. Because the Bible tells us so.

So, in the spirit of fairness, I am also announcing that, since we have joined in a form acceptable to paleobibliophiles, we shall be requiring those who use millenia-old writings to dictate the lives of others to abide by their own rules.

To honor our biblically-sanctioned union, I must hereby insist that all fundamentalist Christians abide, as we have, by the laws of God, as set forth in His incorruptible Word. To wit:

You may no longer eat bacon. Or ham, chops, butt, loin, scrapple or any other part of that animal with hooves cloven. Not one crispy fried rind. I know this will come as a hardship to a lot of good believers, but the Book is clear: it's mutton and beeves, not Adam and Steve.

In addition, I'm sad to inform you that you may no longer consume shrimp, lobster, oysters, mussells or any other fish found unclean under the Law. Sorry to spoil your special night at TGIFridays, but we have to be consistent.

Speaking of chow, you might want to check out that Jerrod guy at Subway, because one little nibble of fat is strictly verboten.

Those of you fellows who enjoy the freeball breeze afforded by skirts or kilts are going to have to get used to pants, because any form of transvestism is out. Same goes for you ladies who like the pants. Sorry. God said so.

Might want to stop reading the horoscope with your comics. Any kind of "spiritualism" other than that spelled out in You Know Who's Guide to Better Eternal Living is off-limits.

Gardeners, take note. I hope you really, really like tomatoes. Or eggplant. Or peppers. Because you're not allowed to plant more than one.

There are going to be some sartorial changes made as well. No blends. Pick a fabric already. Himself doesn't cotton to cotton... with anything else mixed in.

Some good news: you're going to save a lot of shekels on razors and haircuts. They're against the law. Better to itch than to fry, eh?

Sundays are going to be a toughie for you folks. You're going to have to get your shit together by Saturday night, because I'm afraid God will roast your ass for eternity if you hop in the SUV and head to the store on His holy Sabbath. Might want to remember to turn on some lights before sundown, too, as your immortal soul's in just as much danger of flaming if you touch that switch on His jealously-guarded day.

As to your private life, you may wish to make a few changes. Like, should you be the type of pious person who proudly proclaims your fidelity for your mate, you'd better mean it. Slip up once on a business trip (or prayer retreat), and I'm afraid we're going to have to put you to death. Very sorry about that.

Same goes for those who boast a virginal state that, technically, no longer exists. To put it bluntly, if you've been there, better where the T-shirt proudly. Or we kill you. I'm sad to have to tell you purity rings and "re-virgining" ceremonies will not exempt you from this penalty. If it's been in, you'd better be out.

Another capital crime's having sex with your dad's wife, not a really common issue, but young men whose dads have taken much younger trophy wives should be warned: it's more than just weird; tapping stepmom will get you stoned. And not in the way you're hoping.


There are a few more--no chicken-fucking, no goat-fucking, etc., etc. Again, not a big deal for most of us, but better safe than sorry, eh?

I do apologize if these strictures of the scriptures chafe your lifestyle. But, you see, living by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God is the duty of us all, right? The occasional BLT might seem a harmless indulgence, but there's no telling where it might lead.

People who love each other might even get married.

We can't be too careful.

Yours in righteousness,

CV

 

Extended (Optional)

Originally posted to Crashing Vor on Fri May 18, 2012 at 02:28 PM PDT.

Also republished by Street Prophets .

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