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Please begin with an informative title:

Remember those diaries earlier this month about 14-year-old Caiden Cowger's vicious anti-gay rants where he claimed Obama was turning kids gay?  Well, last night Bill Maher delivered a most excellent smackdown of right-wingers who cheer for pathetic kids like Cowger.

And finally, New Rule: If a 14-year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted, it's because intellectually, you're a child.

....

CAIDEN COWGER (5/26/2012): We've got about 30, I'd say 30 teenagers in this county that I'm in that are homosexuals.  And it is sickening. ... I'm willing to tell you this, guys.  President Obama, Vice President Biden, is (sic) making kids gay!
(shocked audience response)

Wow, it's like one of those time travel movies where Rush Limbaugh goes back in time to when he needed just one Oxycontin to get high.  (audience applause)  I tell ya, this kid's got 90% of Rush's venom with only 10% of the biomass.  And I believe he could be President someday.  And judging from his grammar, he could be President Bush.

....

But, my point is to Republican adults.  And it is this.  When 14-year-old boys sound exactly like you do, and can produce radio shows and books and speeches that sound exactly like yours, maybe you should rethink the shit that's coming out of your mouth.

(wild audience cheering and applause)

Remember the Republican debates we had this year?  They applauded for the idea of letting a sick man without insurance die.  Herman Cain got cheers for saying he'd electrify the border fence.  They booed a gay man serving his country in the military.

No wonder 14-year-old boys can do your act.  You act exactly like 14-year-old boys.  There's no ideology here.  It's just about being a dick.  Like last week, when House Republicans voted to keep using Styrofoam in the cafeteria.  Now most people avoid Styrofoam when they can because not only is it non-biodegradable, but it also poisons the food you put in it.  Or as Republicans call it, a win-win.

....

You'll notice that the left doesn't have any teen prodigies.  You're not going to find a 14-year-old who can do Rachel's show.  But to do Hannity, or Rush?  It's a very simple procedure.

Step 1: Be a giant dick.
Step 2: There is no step 2!

(wild audience applause and cheering)

Video and full transcript below the fold.
Intro

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And finally, New Rule: If a 14-year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted, it's because intellectually, you're a child.

(audience appaluse)

This is Caiden Cowger, a 14-year-old conservative, who has his own radio show, and who made a splash this month for his ability to sound just like his older rivals on AM radio.  Take a look.


CAIDEN COWGER (5/26/2012): We've got about 30, I'd say 30 teenagers in this county that I'm in that are homosexuals.  And it is sickening. ... I'm willing to tell you this, guys.  President Obama, Vice President Biden, is (sic) making kids gay!
(shocked audience response)

Wow, it's like one of those time travel movies where Rush Limbaugh goes back in time to when he needed just one Oxycontin to get high.  (audience applause)  I tell ya, this kid's got 90% of Rush's venom with only 10% of the biomass.  And I believe he could be President someday.  And judging from his grammar, he could be President Bush.

Oh, I kid the young Republicans, and you know, Caiden is not the only tween right-winger out there.  Back in 2009, Jonathan Krohn...

Yes, that's a real book.  I know, it looks like something we made up, but it's not.  He published Defining Conservatism: The Principles That Will Bring Our Country Back.  And teach it to shave.  Here's a little bit of Jonathan speaking to the CPAC convention.


JONATHAN KROHN (2/27/2009): I want you to understand, I want the American people to understand, that conservatism is not an ideology of feelings or romanticism, as some people like to say.  It is an ideology of protecting the people and the people's rights.  (CPAC audience applauds)
(shocked audience response)

Oh my God, is there a charity or something I can give to?  Wedgies Without Borders?  I mean, I'm not trying to slam these kids, because, look, being an asshole is totally understandable when you're 14.  You're too young for sex and too old to carry your blankie around everywhere.  It's a very stressful time.

But, my point is to Republican adults.  And it is this.  When 14-year-old boys sound exactly like you do, and can produce radio shows and books and speeches that sound exactly like yours, maybe you should rethink the shit that's coming out of your mouth.

(wild audience cheering and applause)

Remember the Republican debates we had this year?  They applauded for the idea of letting a sick man without insurance die.  Herman Cain got cheers for saying he'd electrify the border fence.  They booed a gay man serving his country in the military.

No wonder 14-year-old boys can do your act.  You act exactly like 14-year-old boys.  There's no ideology here.  It's just about being a dick.  Like last week, when House Republicans voted to keep using Styrofoam in the cafeteria.  Now most people avoid Styrofoam when they can because not only is it non-biodegradable, but it also poisons the food you put in it.  Or as Republicans call it, a win-win.

But honestly, Democrats were just trying to set a good environmental example by trading Styrofoam for a risky and untested new technology called cardboard.  I know, "needs more study".  But Republicans blocked it by a vote of 178-to-"fuck you".

"Fuck you, you want cups that don't leech chemicals into your coffee?  Nah-nah-nah, poopy face!  You can't tell me what to do!  Take that, knowing things!"  (audience applause)

You'll notice that the left doesn't have any teen prodigies.  You're not going to find a 14-year-old who can do Rachel's show.  But to do Hannity, or Rush?  It's a very simple procedure.

Step 1: Be a giant dick.
Step 2: There is no step 2!

(wild audience applause and cheering)

Extended (Optional)

Originally posted to BruinKid on Sat Jun 23, 2012 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by DKOMA and Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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