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Please begin with an informative title:

It’s been a few hours since the 2012 election ended, and we don’t want pundits and pollsters to go into withdrawal, so there’s only one thing to do:  start vetting the candidates for the 2016 election!  My record of accuracy is somewhere on the level of Dick Morris and Bill Kristol throwing darts at a magic 8-ball, so ya’ll should take my picks very, very seriously.

Intro

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DEMOCRATS:

SECRETARY OF STATE HILLARY CLINTON (NY)
PRO: Already has a solid base of support, plus her not-so-secret weapon, Bill.
CON: Hillary-hating is already a Republican cottage industry (OK, McMansion industry).

GOV. ANDREW CUOMO (NY)
PRO:  Nationally known.
CON:  Has he ever had to run against a real opponent?  His last one was buffoon Carl Paladino.

GOV. MARTIN O'MALLEY (MD)
PRO:  Raised taxes on rich people - what a concept!
CON:  Mad scramble after he answered "no" to whether the country was better off than 4 years ago.

SEN.  ELIZABETH WARREN (MA)
PRO:  Has a great reputation for standing up for real people against corporations.
CON:  Very new to the Senate.  Then again, so was Obama.

VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN:
PRO:  High profile as a sitting VP.
CON:  At 74, may be ready to save the aggravation and retire.  Also, has an unsettling habit of saying what he means.  

EX-VP AL GORE
PRO: Already got the majority of votes in one Presidential race.  Has been proven painfully right on his signature issue.
CON: Media can’t seem to give up their habit of hating him for being right.

MAYOR CORY BOOKER (NJ)
PRO: Is already serving as the mayor, fire department and public works department for Newark.  He can handle one more job in his spare time.
CON:  “Stop attacking Bain Capital?”  Really?

SEN. AL FRANKEN (MN)
PRO:  He's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.
CON:  Someone will dig through all his old Saturday Night Live performances and find a "Whitey" tape.

JESSE LaGRECA:
PRO:  Imagine the sheer awesomeness of a President whose dkos profile says, “Regulate banks, not vaginas.”
CON:  Fox is trying to create a very different Ministry of Truth.

TARA THE ANTISOCIAL SOCIAL WORKER (CA)
PRO: Polls well with pooties and woozles.  Pie at campaign stops.  Spouse would be awesome First Lady.
CON: Social workers do not make the zillion dollars needed to finance a campaign.

REPUBLICANS:

SEN. MARCO RUBIO (FL):
PRO:  Republicans have discovered existence of Hispanics, and have been unable to prevent all of them from voting.
CON:  Plugging the “Kill Medicare, give ‘em coupons” policy did not go over well.

GOV.  CHRIS CHRISTIE (NJ):
PRO:  Raised his profile and “bipartisan” appeal after Hurricane Sandy.
CON:  Just thinking about all the stupid fat jokes we'll have to hear could lead to toxic levels of boredom.  C'mon, comedians, make some effort here.

HERMAN CAIN:
PRO:  Has been keeping his brand fresh with Daily Show appearances.
CON:  Godfather's pizza at every campaign stop.  Too bad no one’s keeping that fresh!

REP. MICHELE BACHMANN (MN):
PRO:  Says she’s an independent, nonpartisan voice.  No, really, that’s what she says!
CON:  Uh, Michelle?  The camera’s over….there.

SEN. ROB PORTMAN (OH):
PRO:  Very Serious People agree he's a Very Serious Candidate.
CON:  Less interesting than Mitt Romney.  Let me repeat that:  Less interesting than Mitt Romney.

EX-SEN. RICK SANTORUM (PA):
PRO:  Would set up the Republic of Gilead and start assigning handmaids.
CON:  Google is not his friend.

EX-GOV. SARAH PALIN (AK):
PRO:  Would have today's talking points written on her hand.  Can keep an eye on Canada and Mexico while campaigning in border states.  
CON:  Too busy squeezing money out of suckers to bother with another campaign, you betcha.  Also.

GOV. TIM PAWLENTY (MN)
PRO:  Manages to sound moderate while governing like a wingnut.
CON:  Actually quit his last campaign faster than Sarah Palin could.

EX-GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE (AR):
PRO:  Has amazing Teflon.  Media rave about what a "nice guy" he is even after he compared same-sex marriage to "marrying an animal” and suggested imprisoning people with HIV.
CON:  Why would he give up his cushy gig at Fox?

LIZ CHENEY:
PRO:  Dad told her where all the bodies are buried.
CON:  No campaign events in daylight.  Would have trouble finding enough interns to keep her sated with blood.

EX-REP. NEWT GINGRICH (GA):
PRO:  Would carry the 51st state:  the Moon.
CON:  Too busy looking for wife #4 so she can help him defend the sanctity of marriage.

REP.  RON PAUL (OH):
PRO:  Inexplicable crossover appeal, at least with people only superficially familiar with his positions.
CON:  Too busy pursuing those nasty hobbits for The Precious!

REP. TODD AKIN (MO)
PRO:  Needs a job.  Perfectly encapsulates Republican views on women.
CON:  Women have a way of shutting him down:  We vote.

JAMES O'KEEFE:
PRO:  Memorable wardrobe.  And just think of all the snazzy campaign videos.
CON:  Currently not allowed to go out of state.  Also, he's underage - but could probably come up with a video of him being born pre-1981.

STEPHEN COLBERT (SC):
PRO:  Already has a superPAC, what else is he gonna do?  
CON:  The irony-impaired might elect Bill O’Reilly by mistake.

DONALD TRUMP:
PRO:  Would do reality show of firing a campaign volunteer every week.
CON:  Why settle for President when he already thinks he’s God?

JESUS:
PRO:  High name recognition.
CON:  Jewish.  Class warrior who says to render unto Caesar what is Caesar's.  Favors social programs, opposes war, shows no interest in gay-bashing.  And despite what wingnuts might think, not a US citizen.

Extended (Optional)

Poll

Highlight of 2016 election season will be:

10%9 votes
5%5 votes
10%9 votes
10%9 votes
2%2 votes
7%7 votes
2%2 votes
8%8 votes
21%19 votes
17%16 votes
1%1 votes
2%2 votes

| 89 votes | Vote | Results

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