threatened promised in yesterday's Dino Extinction Update, our intrepid paleopundits have compiled another installment on the ongoing extinction of the hideous lifeforms who have been ravaging the landscape. Some have disappeared in silence, while others continue to thrash and roar in dino-denial, but they're all destined for the Tar Pits of Irrelevance, to the relief of the more highly-evolved lifeforms who will occupy their niche for the foreseeable future.
Brontosaurus romneii never saw it coming. Staring at the night sky, wondering why that beautiful bright light kept getting bigger and bigger. Then suddenly it hit him. What the...?! He hadn't prevailed? How was this possible?! Having surrounded himself with
sniveling "yes" men and toadies the best and brightest and callously ignoring heeding their Caucasasaurian counsel, the night was to have been his! He was the cream of the Cretaceous crop, the one whose ascendency was foretold in the White Eohippus Petroglyph.
As graceless in defeat as he had been in presumed victory, B. romneii cast his minions out into the cold within nanoseconds of realizing that his reign of error was at an end. These hapless creatures had aligned themselves with a losing cause and now found themselves wandering the Go-Figure Desert, the cold winds of reality chilling them to the bone.
Following B. romneii into the abyss were members of his vast dynastic clan, including the cold-blooded Dressageasaurus cruella, who had already set in motion plans to raze the White Cave and replace it with something more suited to her baseline expectations. Likewise, the five romnoid offspring were faced with the grim prospect of B. romneii lashing out at them in his eons of free time.
As previously reported, the Grim Reaper is having a little difficulty with Venomasaurus allenwestii who refuses to go gentle into that good night. Fear not, however; the Reaper has seen this sort of Mesozoic meltdown before, and will let this dino-drama play out a little longer before finally tossing this miscreant into the volcano.
Meanwhile, Behemasaurus christii, reviled by many of his fellow Caucasasaurs for palling around with Obamasaurus Rex, continues attending to the task at hand: assisting his displaced constituents in storm-ravaged Shores of Jersey. These compassionate behaviors have enraged many GOPasaurs and delighted Left-leaning creatures; a paleo-two-fer. Those who cross B. christii do so at their peril, as this Jerseysaur is no stranger to paleo-payback.
Extinction cannot come swifly enough for Trumpasaurus thedonaldii, whose 15 eons of fame are soooo over. King of the Birthersaurs and all-around paleo-pain-in-the-ass, this Mesozoic menace was suffering a particularly virulent strain of dino-denial on election night, vocalizing his impotent rage in increasingly incoherent "tweets". His attempts to trick Obamasaurus Rex into releasing now-irrelevant records in exchange for a massive "gift" to charity went unheeded, as tens of thousands of citizens in his very own drainage basin suffered the ravages of back-to-back storms.
The apocalypse has arrived for paleo-pundits like the hyperventilating Glenbeckasaurus loonii, Fauxasaurus billoreillii, Anorexasaurus coulterii, and Bloviasaurus limbaughii. As a new day dawns, and the craton has not fractured up into a million flaming shards, it's clear that their paleo-predictions were (duh) nothing more than a cheap ruse to bilk their followers out of their wealth while simultaneously frightening them out of their wits. In comparison with B. romneii's brilliant "long con", these petty grifters will continue their Brownian motion stumble into a well-deserved oblivion.
No extinction update would be complete without mention of the witless Baggasaurs, whose endless shrieking and scratching and clawing energized an entire subcontinent to rebel. Members of this egregious genus proved once again that natural systems can only absorb so much disequilibrium before something snaps. Nice work, chumps.
As always, your intrepid diarist welcomes other suggestions for the Grim Reaper's consideration, so please provide your input in the comments section below. Remember, though: the Reaper's been a little busy, but your call is important to him, so please stay on the line, and the next available operator will be with you shortly.