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Late Night Snark: Helluva Week Edition

“President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.”
---Jimmy Fallon
Clip of President Obama's second inaugural address: We the people declare today that the most evident of truths, that all of us are created equal, is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls and Selma and Stonewall.
Jon Stewart: Some historical alliteration right there. I believe it’s the first time a president has name-checked a gay bar at his inauguration since Rutherford B. Hayes reminisced about working at The Loaded Musket.
---The Daily Show

Hillary Clinton returns to work, receiving a football helmet as a gift from her staff
"Hey, Senator Johnson!
Shoulda wore one 'o these!"
"Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama's new gun control proposals 'illegal.' Though I'm not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it's just thirty hissing possums in a barn."
---Seth Meyers
I believe Ayn Rand's first love poem went: Roses are red/ violets are blue/ finish this poem yourself / you dependent parasite
---Stephen Colbert (via twitter)
"The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying 'You need a mint.'"
---Bill Maher
"Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they're excited to see what they could discover on the moon's surface. I'll tell you what they're going to discover: an American flag."
---Craig Ferguson
More at Dan Kutzman's mighty archives. I'm giving the funniest joke of the week its own callout:
"Had I been president…"
---Rand Paul
Watch yer back, Louis C.K. This guy's good.

Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]


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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 25, 2013

Note: C&J will not appear on Monday, as we will be spending the day eating vegemite sandwiches and spinning counterclockwise in observance of Australia Day.  Back Tuesday in a fried-out Kombi with a slightly-used Sydney opera house I bought on the street from some guy for only 50 bucks!


By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 54
Days 'til the Madison Winter Festival in Wisconsin: 22
Hillary Clinton's overall approval rating: 67%
(ABC News-Washington Post poll)
Percent of bottled water bottles that never get recycled: 75%
Number of public universities besides the University of Vermont that have banned the sale of bottled water on their campuses: 0
(Source: Food and Water Watch)
Percent chance that gas-pump handles are typically the most germ-rich surface in people's day-to-day lives: 100%
(Source: The Week)
Number of Tough Mudder events scheduled in 2013, which are expected to take in at least $150 million: 53
(Source: TIME)


Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend begins early


CHEERS to comings and goings.  Yesterday John Kerry aced his confirmation hearing in the Senate, incuding a moment when he tag-teamed off of Hillary's Wednesday testimony by delivering a Massachusetts knee to Ron Johnson's Wisconsin groin.  Meanwhile, today is Tim Geithner's last day.  Before he takes off for greener and/or platinum-ier pastures, C&J has three words of advice for the folks over at Treasury: hide your wallet.

JEERS to "continuing to get nothing done…but faster."  That's how Rachel Maddow described the Senate's (non)-filibuster reform yesterday.  Even Sherrod Brown admitted to her that the "votes were never there"…even though we'd been told categorically that the 51 votes needed to make significant---and necessary to the function of our republic---changes were there.  Plus this:

President Obama with Senator Harry Reid in the Oval Office
"Your choice, Harry: wedgie,
swirlie or purple nurple."
Harry Reid 2010: "This has to change. It's wrong what they're doing, because it's never happened before.  ...  The Republicans, just this time, have abused the system, and it's going to have to change.  We'll have to look at ways to change that, because there should not be 60 votes in the Senate.
Harry Reid Yesterday: "I'm not personally, at this stage, ready to get rid of the 60-vote threshold."
No way to sugar-coat it: this is a flat-out betrayal of pre-January-24 Harry Reid by January-24 Harry Reid.  No future sentence I write that contains his name should fail to include the words "lying bastard."  He did worse than just blow it yesterday---he blew Mitch McConnell yesterday.  So, to sum up: The House is in Republican hands.  The Senate is in Republican obstructionist hands.  And I hope President Obama plans to play a lot of golf during his second term, because he's gonna have plenty of time for it.

Update: I've just been informed that, as part of Harry Reid's deal with Mitch McConnell, President Obama's golf games can now be filibustered.  But Tiddlywinks?  Smooth sailing all the way.

CHEERS to meeting the press.  Fifty-two years ago today, in 1961, President Kennedy gave the first press conference that was broadcast live on TV.  Not having done it before, the early moments were a bit awkward:

"I want to assure you that I will, with great vigah, endeavuh to ahnsuh your questions thoroughly and completely.  Just not in the bahthroom while I am taking my, uh, showuh.  But since you're heauh, pahss me the Irish Shpring…"
Things went better when they moved it to the press room.
Hood ornament with devil on it.
Guess who's coming to dinner?
JEERS to a match made in a place that's not heaven.  Today a group of Satan worshippers is gathering in Florida to chant Governor Rick Scott's malevolent praises.  The reason: a bill Scott signed that opens the door to allowing prayer in public schools, which also means opening the door to allowing satanic prayer in schools.  Won’t that be fun at the next student assembly!  The rally may be done by now, but if you want to catch the fork-tailed end of it, here's a travel tip from AAA: if you find yourself in the middle of a group of gangly python-headed orcs with glowing red eyes, pointy fingernails, evil grins and maniacal laughs who are torturing old people by making them choose between food and medicine, your GPS has accidentally sent you to the governor's office.  The satanists are across the street.

JEERS to Bully McNasty.  As a general rule, if you're a governor of a state and your party just lost control of both chambers of the legislature, it's not a good idea to piss off the independent lawmakers you might need to help pass, y'know, bills and stuff.  Of course, if you're Maine's governor, rules are for sissies:

Maine Gov. Paul LePage
ME Gov. Paul LePage: just a big ol' cuddly
Teddy bear--who likes to scream at people.
Gov. Paul LePage swore, pounded a table and stormed out of a meeting with three independent House members last week, according to the lawmakers.  The trio said they hoped to talk to the governor about alternate approaches to balancing the state budget. …

"'You guys, you’re idiots and you’re just as bad if not worse than those other guys,'" LePage said, according to Brooks. “I assumed that he was talking about the Democrats.”

“He went right through the roof when I asked him the question,” Evangelos said. “He flew up like a jack-in-the-box and ran out of the room and slammed the door. … When he came back in the room, he was hollering at us and swearing at us.”

Repairing the ham-fist-sized hole in the top of the governor's desk: $1,500.  Watching his tea party agenda circle the drain: Priceless.

P.S. You've bookmarked Dirigo Blue...right?

Young Howard Dean shirtless
Howard Dean re-enacts this
pose tonight on "Real Time."
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Here are some of the haps on the teevee this weekend: Bill Maher kicks things off tonight on HBO's Real Time, with guests Howard Dean, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, GOPAC dingleberry David Avella, Sen. Jon Tester and Republican pollster Kristen Soltis.  New DVD releases include the Jake Gyllenhaal police actioner End of Watch and the documentary on Detroit folk singer Rodriquez, who had no idea his 70's glory lived on in other countries.  No NFL football on the schedule this weekend besides the Pro Bowl in Cokie Roberts' favorite foreign and exotic destination, Hawaii.  (Halftime entertainment will be provided by Gisela Bundchen, who will chase random Patriots receivers around the field with a cast-iron skillet in her hand.)  Adam Levine (who???) hosts SNL.  On 60 Minutes: President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a joint interview.

On Bill Moyers & Company (link), the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade prompts a discussion with Jessica González-Rojas, Executive Director of the National Latina Institute for Reproductive Health, and Lynn Paltrow, founder and Executive Director of National Advocates for Pregnant Women.  Plus all the week's events get tossed into the blender mornings on Up! With Chris Hayes and Melissa Harris-Perry.  Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Paul Ryan; roundtable with NAACP president Ben Jealous, Andrea Mitchell, Jim DeMint and Bob Woodward.
Greedy angry pig man in a suit.
John McCain will be
on "This Week" Sunday.
This Week: It's George Stephanopoulos's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping; Senator Bob Menendez (D-NJ); roundtable with Rep. David Schweikert (R-AZ…jeez, a little Arizona-heavy this week, aren't we?), George Will, Donna Brazile, NPR's Steve Inskeep, and The New Republic's Chris Hughes; "Zero Dark Thirty" screenwriter/producer Mark Boal and Blackhawk Down author Mark Bowden waterboard each other over the former film's portrayal of torture.

Face the Nation: Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) on her assault weapons bill that will be filibustered to dust (thanks again, Harry).  Then, because it takes two Republicans to rebut one Democrat, Newt Gingrich and Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) rebut Feinstein.  Plus: former Romney Senior Adviser Kevin Madden gets intellectually throttled by Obama deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter; and dudes David Sanger David Ignatius talk about women in combat.

CNN's State of the Union: Dunno---they're slow as molasses when it comes to updating their web site.  Wild guess: John McCain and three other Republicans, and two conservative Democrats.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Bob Corker (R-TN) and Dick Durbin (D-IL); retired USAF Colonel Martha McSally and retired Army Lt. General Jerry Boykin (a staff misogynist at the Family Research Council) on new rules allowing women in combat; roundtable with Brit Hume, Kimberly Strassel, Juan Williams and Jeff Zeleney.

Happy viewing!


Five years ago in C&J: January 25, 2008

CHEERS to choosy Charlestonians.  Why, General Beauregard, I do believe the South Carolina Democratic primary stawts in the mawnin' at first light.  If polls are to be believed---and they aren't---Barack Obama will sail to victory on the wings of hope attached to the hang glider of change (your imagery may differ).  But if there's any justice, John Edwards will squeak out a victory for old time's sake.  Keith Olbermann will be the go-to guy for results on MSNBC starting at 6.  Help me out here: does Chris Matthews sit on Keith's right or left?  I wanna know which side of my teevee to duct-tape.


And just one more…

CHEERS to a fitting reaction.  Michelle Obama rolled her eyes at John Boehner, whom she was sitting next to Monday at the inaugural luncheon.  A lip reader claims that Boehner "asked Obama if he had had a cigarette before the meal, and Michelle rolled her eyes when the Republican quipped 'Somebody won’t let you do it."  Watch:

Not reported were the two words she then whispered to her husband: "Let's move."

Have a nice weekend.  Shake off your winter blahs, New England---go outside and plant some tulip bulbs.  You'll need a shovel and a few sticks of dynamite.  Not necessarily in that order.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Extended (Optional)


Who won the week?

7%334 votes
1%75 votes
0%27 votes
48%2030 votes
1%61 votes
30%1277 votes
2%96 votes
1%62 votes
0%35 votes
0%12 votes
0%29 votes
1%71 votes
0%12 votes
1%71 votes

| 4196 votes | Vote | Results

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