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Please begin with an informative title:

Last night, over two dozen of us Bruin Democrats got to go in person to see Real Time with Bill Maher!  And he did not disappoint with yet another awesome final New Rule about how the right-wing pundits are really only about grifting and conning confused conservatives out of their money.

And finally, New Rule: Liberals have to stop gloating about Sarah Palin getting dumped by Fox News.  Even though it happened less than a day after Bobby Jindal told his fellow Republicans to "stop being the stupid party".  That's just a coincidence; a wonderful, hilarious coincidence.

Yes, it's true, Sarah Palin left Fox News this week.  But don't worry about Sarah.  She's like a cat, she always lands on her feet.  And she's easily distracted by a laser pointer.  (audience laughter)  And she shits in a box in the kitchen.  (audience laughter)  And Sarah, I know you're fond of saying, "When God closes a door, He opens a window."  It's a quote from your favorite philosopher, the needlepoint pillow on your couch.

And it makes me think of this guy.

He got fired from Fox News too.  But did he curl up into a ball and weep like a baby?  Of course he did!  This is Glenn Beck we're talking about.  But then he saw an open window: the Internet.  Who needs Fox News when he can take his patented brand of apocalyptic race-baiting directly to the fans, who now pay $9.95 a month to hear Glenn, cheaper than a case of their favorite wine.

And boy, I'll tell ya, that $9.95 really adds up.  Last year, Glenn Beck made $80 million dollars (shocked audience gasps), placing him 11th on the Forbes list of the highest paid celebrities, tied with Elton John, who sang at the wedding of someone else on the list — Rush Limbaugh, who lives in a house that Elton John would call "too gay".

I mean, who has clouds painted on their ceiling?  I'll tell you who.  Con men.  And con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today.  Because they don't care about winning elections.  They care about separating rubes from their money.  They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack.  From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter.

They don't want a majority.  They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming.  I'm not exaggerating.  Go to any right-wing website, and you'll see ads for prepper bags,

and water purifiers,

and survival seeds — also known as seeds.  (audience laughter)

And for years, Beck, Hannity, and other radio hosts endorsed Goldline, a company that sells gold coins to frightened old people for twice what they're worth.  Why not just hog-tie your audience and steal their disability checks?  After all, we are talking about people who will spend actual money on a children's book by a fat adulterer and a peroxide blonde from another dimension.

(audience applause)

Glenn Beck has only 300,000 subscribers.  So they'll never be a majority, but it doesn't matter.  Maybe they can only vote once every two years, but they can buy the same book every three weeks.  (slideshow of right-wing books goes by the screen)  The exact same book.  Over and over and over again.

I don't know why being a Republican means needing to have your faith recharged 5 times a day like Dick Cheney's heart.  Because there's no comparable industry on the left, devoted to separating liberals from their cash.  I mean, unless you count Whole Foods.  (audience laughter)

Video below the fold.

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Originally posted to BruinKid on Sat Feb 02, 2013 at 05:00 AM PST.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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