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Please begin with an informative title:

This gun confiscation talk has me on edge. It's a good thing I have my gun. Some people have security blankets. Some people have favorite stuffed animals. I have my gun. Okay, I actually have seven guns. But, then, some people have large collections of stuffed animals.

I feel safe with my gun. "Safe," you might ask, "Safe from what?"

"Safe from what?" What is wrong with you people? You don't see it?

THEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING!!!!!!!!!!!

I live in fear of a band of marauders bursting through my front door or busting a window and climbing in.

This could happen at any moment. As such, I am glad I am prepared. I have my gun right here. It's hard to type with it in my hand, so excuse any typos. But I will get them before they get me! You can count on that!

Oh no! There's someone knocking at the front door right now! I swear, I will waste that--

Hang on, hang on... It's the little girl from down the block selling Girl Scout cookies. She is one ballsy kid, that's all I can say. She's going to door to door and she doesn't appear to be packing. I wish I had the courage to do that.

I live in fear of a tyrannical government taking away my freedoms and liberties.

I am the last line of defense of our constitutional freedoms! When only the government has guns, I will be at their mercy! They are coming to get my guns! All of them! I know it! It is me and the Constitution against the tyrannical overlords! Stay away, tyrannical overlords! I am armed!

There's a knock at my door! It is a man in a government uniform! I will waste that tyrannical government overlord who is trying to take away--

Hang on, hang on... It's a guy from the Water Department. He said the water line running down the street has a small leak so they will be shutting off our water for 20 minutes.

Wait... Shutting down our water? Are they trying to starve us out so they can get our guns? What the hell? I'll be right back. I'm going to fill up the bathtub. I'll be ready for those tryannical gun grabbers! Me and my gun and the Constitution!

I live in fear of the coming civil war.

Yes, when the tyrannical overlords arrive to take away my guns (now I'm wondering if that guy was really from the Water Department or if he is scouting for the houses that will not be easy targets when the gun grabbers arrive), I will be ready for the civil war! Me and my guns. Me and my fellow patriots will defend this great nation from within!

There's a knock at the door! It's a police officer! I hope he is ready to join our side in the fight against the tyrants! Or is he here to take away my guns? Was the Water Department guy a scout? They're coming to get my guns!

I will not answer the door. I will hide here, beneath my computer table and make that officer think I am not here. Silence. I must maintain radio silence. I don't have a radio. A two-way radio, I mean, so I can communicate with my fellow patriots in the civil war! What was I thinking! I am here, all alone! Trying to defend our Constitution! Our freedoms and liberties! Dear Lord, watch over me and keep me safe as I prepare to fight the tyrannical overlords!

Hold on, hold on... I think he's gone. There's a note stuck to the front door. Oh. It's a "courtesy reminder" that my car that's parked out front needs a new city sticker. It was supposed to be on January 1, but I haven't gotten around to it. That was nice of them not to give me a ticket.

Still, he may have been scouting. I will not be an easy mark when the gun grabbers arrive! I will defend my fellow citizens from the those who would usurp our freedoms!

Oh my gosh. What a day. I'm exhausted.

And I need to change my diaper.

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Originally posted to Bob Johnson on Sun Feb 03, 2013 at 11:06 AM PST.

Also republished by Shut Down the NRA and Repeal or Amend the Second Amendment (RASA).

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