Last night, Bill Maher closed out the show with a New Rule with some suggestions on who the new Pope should be.
And finally, New Rule: Hey Catholics, news flash. If the Pope can quit, it's OK for you to quit too. (audience applause) Now, as you all know, this week Pope Benedict told Vatican radio — you know, Vatican radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century, and today — Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh young face. Somewhere other than a priest's lap.Video below the fold.
Now the Pope's decision leaves so many questions unanswered. Is he resigning to hide something? Who will replace him? Will the Church try to modernize? All of which are interesting questions. Just not to me. I, and millions like me, just don't care. Which is good news, because it means that the institution of the Catholic Church is losing its importance and dying off, just like moose lodges, and the Masons, Blockbuster, and moderate Republicans. (audience applause)
And how could it not be? Every poll of American Catholics shows they find most Vatican teachings to be irrelevant. Catholics use birth control, they get divorced, they have premarital sex, they masturbate — sometimes all in one night. The typical Catholic these days doesn't look like this.
She looks like this.
And maybe Benedict realized he'd just become a figurehead, like Queen Elizabeth in a better dress. And by telling his flock, "I'm getting too old for this shit", he's actually ahead of the game. Maybe it's time for American Catholics to ask if they're getting too old for this shit. I mean, if you're "Catholic", but you don't follow anything the Church says, what are you staying for? The stained-glass windows?
It's OK to let go. No one can fault you for losing faith in an organization that won't even allow women as priests, because the reasoning goes, Jesus didn't have any female apostles. Yeah, you remember the Last Supper, a total sausage party.
Fact is, that any enterprise that excludes women, almost always descends into sexual deviancy — at least in my bathhouse. (audience applause) Whether it's the Boy scouts, the Penn State locker room, or on Wall Street, sooner or later a bunch of innocent folks get fucked.
Show me any culture that's traditionally hostile towards women, and I will show you a culture that is screwed up. Like the Taliban. Like our military, with its enormous rape problem. And like the Catholic Church.
This Church needs a woman Pope. Hillary Clinton just finished up her stint as Secretary of State. (audience cheering) Oh yeah. Maybe Pope Hillary could clean up the Church! If there's anyone who knows how to handle a guy who can't keep his hands to himself, it's her! (audience cheering and applause)
And if Hillary, won't do it.... Poprah!
Jesus turned water into wine, Oprah whines about retaining water. Plus, she's practiced at hearing confessions.
And of course she's celibate.
And if she won't do it, I have one more candidate. No, not a woman. But someone born and raised Catholic. Yes, of course, I'm talking about me.
Why me? Well, I have this hat. Plus, everybody's always known I have absolutely no interest in children whatsoever. And of course, I can provide my own white puff of smoke.
Bill Maher will be off next week, but will return on March 1st with these guests:
rapper Snoop Lion
Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA)
ex-McCain campaign strategist Steve Schmidt
finance columnist Monica Mehta