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Please begin with an informative title:

Before you read, this is a work of satire. That being said if you would still like to send hate email, bear with me as I am looking up the email address of this one kid I hate...

What do racism, WWII, the economic principals of supply and demand, feminism, corporate greed, idiot baby boomers and the massacre at Newtown, CT, all have in common? It is actually an interesting study of cause and effect, if you consider the senseless murder of 20 children interesting.

Let's flash back to WWII. The US military at the time was a segregated military (that is the polite way of saying it). You were allowed to fight if you were a white male (Jews and Italians were allowed in somehow so I am guessing they weren't that strict about the "whites only" thing). Since all of the white males were off kicking fascist ass over in Europe and Asia, the continental US was left with quite the dilemma: who would work in the factories and manufacture the materials needed for war? This is back in the 1940s when being black was illegal, so they were out. Also, this is before Mexico invaded the US, so there were no Latinos to build you a Flying Fortress for $14. They were left with only one solution: make women do it. This worked great - the men could fight the war, the women could make the guns and ammo. Until...

We won the war. Men returned home from war weary of fighting and ready to get back to their day jobs. Unfortunately, the women refused to leave. Instead, they began burning their bras and learning the art of fellatio. Men tried to complain, but unfortunately no man can complain about anything when the woman they are yelling at is using them as a practice dummy to hone her fellatio skills. So the women stayed in the workplace.

Enter the economic principals of supply and demand. Supply of workers has now doubled. Demand (aka wages) diminishes significantly. Now it takes two full time workers to support a family instead of just one. Soon entire generations of children are raised by day-care workers (or not at all). The TV is used as a baby sitter, and now more kids can relate to Zach Morris than their Daddy.

Fast forward a few more years. The day-care generation is now in its 20s. Violent video games are everywhere and kids sit around smoking weed watching snuff footage on YouTube or worse - FOX NEWS!!!! Enter the evil Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (aka Wayne LaPierre of the NRA). This man is responsible for more shootings than the paparazzi, and now has the heat on him due to the 84 deaths from 14 mass shootings that happened in 2012. What does he do? He doubles down ("They're attacking the 2nd amendment!!!!!!). One would think - due to his pathological lunatic ravings about how bad men are everywhere - that this man is stark-raving mad, unless of course you are smart enough to spot a gun salesman when you see one. The gun lobby pays this man almost as much as they pay Al-Qaeda and he is happy to sell fear and hate to the unsuspecting populace. Wayne LaPierre does not represent the American rifleman. He represents the gun-manufacturers' lobby (see Greed, Corporate).

Now consider Nancy Lanza. Baby-boomer NRA member who arms herself to the teeth and - in typical annoying suburban helecopter-parent fashion won't allow anyone to criticize or judge her angel Adam (by criticize she means "please don't suggest he is a psychopath"). Her angel grows up, raised by day care and Call of Duty. Rumors are now circulating that he envied the success of his Norwegian counterpart, Anders Holmvik - who shot up Glenn Beck's vacation liberty school and was subsequently given a medal - and wanted to see if he could match the body count. The NRA is equally as curious to see if someone can match that damn-near-80 body count and is doing everything it can to get guns into the hands of everyone (arm the teachers!!!!).
Nancy Lanza had no business owning an assault rifle, or even a sig sauer, but it was her goddam right and so she owned them (fuck yeah America!!!).

Now we have 26 dead in Newtown (Lanza doesn't count due to his not being an actual human being), and we only have Rosie the Riveter to blame.

 

Intro

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Post Script: Can you catch all of the Generation-Y pop culture references?

Post-Post Script: The only statistic in this piece that is real and not made up on the spot is 84 deaths from 14 mass shootings (source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/...) and I tallied them up in my head as I was writing.

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It is too soon to use satire to express outrage over Newton, CT?

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