Last Friday, Bill Maher tackled the recent news all over the Western world of finding horse meat where it's not supposed to be, and had some hard truths for a lot of Americans.
And finally, New Rule: If you're one of the millions of Californians who voted against labeling genetically modified foods, you can't complain when it turns out that there's horse meat in your hamburger, and your sushi is made out of lost cats and condoms. You said you didn't want to know. Now lap that shit up. (audience applause)Video below the fold.
Yeah, it's been big news the last couple of weeks that the food supply is not what it appears to be. I hate to break it to you haute cuisiners, but did you know that your Chilean sea bass is neither Chilean, nor bass, nor from the sea? It's koi from the pond out front that the valet guys piss in.
And your mahi-mahi is really made of mercury-drenched bottom feeders like tile fish that squirm along the ocean floor, eat feces, and occasionally provide legal representation for Donald Trump. (audience applause)
And if you like sushi, you really don't know what you're eating, because those fish are mislabeled 74% of the time. Which is really scary, because I can deal if the tuna in my tuna roll isn't tuna, but what the fuck is the eel? (grossed out audience laughter)
And then there's IKEA. I didn't even know you could eat there, but you can! And this week, we found out that their Swedish meatballs are a little too... Seabiscuity — challenging all of our cherished notions about the integrity of food served at furniture stores. Sure, I was there buying a $40 pre-fabricated bookshelf made of compressed sawdust and vinyl, but I didn't think they'd try to sell me something cheap!
All of which made me think about last year, when Californians rejected the GMO law, Prop. 37, the one that said if food was genetically modified, it should just say so on the label. To which people said, "No thanks! GMO? More like TMI!" You know, folks, if we really don't want to know, why don't we take all the labels off entirely, and replace them with just "sugary shit", "salty shit", and "cool ranch shit with extra shit"?
And this is why I find it so strange that the idea of eating horse meat is freaking people out. It's not as if horses are more cuddly than cows. I mean, true, they'll let you sit on their backs, but cows allow you to yank on their titties. I'm just saying, if you're willing to eat an animal that'll let you get to second base, you'll eat anything.
Especially when you consider that 50 other countries require GMO labeling, including most of Europe, Japan, Australia, India, Saudi Arabia, China — that's right, China. A country that puts melamine, a chemical fire retardant, in their baby formula. Which sounds irresponsible, but c'mon, when was the last time you saw a Chinese baby catch on fire? (shocked audience reaction)
But hey, let's look at the silver lining. It's actually a good thing Americans don't care what they put in their mouth. Because in the future, thanks to overpopulation, and overfishing, and global warming, and Chris Christie, we're running out of the food we do like to eat!
You know one reason why there's so much fish mislabeling now? It's because they don't have the heart to tell you the fish you like are gone. 85% of the world's fisheries are either fully exploited, overexploited, or collapsed. You know where fishermen can no longer find cod? Off of Cape Cod. That's like going to Hooters, and finding out that all the waitresses are flat-chested.
If we don't fix how we grow food, and don't stop turning the oceans into a carbon sink for coal, we're going to have to learn to eat all the few gnarly maggoty things that can survive mankind. Your grandkids will grow up dreaming of getting some horse meat while they munch down on their McPlankton sandwich.
"Run home, Anthony, it's Wednesday! And everybody knows Wednesday is algae and caterpillar day!"
So enjoy eating your chemically processed crap now, America, 'cause it won't be long before lunch is dung beetles and Soylent Green. And when all that runs out, I'm afraid it's Papa John's.