Being that the Public Safety may be so manifestly threatened by Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, I hereby propose that those who hold him in custody interrogate him to find out about any other devices and or conspirators of which he certainly has knowledge.
The method should proceed as follows. Tsarnaev should be asked once nicely if there are any other bombs. Should Tsarnaev choose to remain silent, a bamboo shoot shall be placed under the fifth fingernail and the question asked again. Each repeated instance of silence should result in yet another bamboo shoot being shoved up under each of the perpetrator's fingernails.
To those who might argue that Tsarnaev will feel great pain and say anything to get his interrogation to stop, I would humbly submit that it is after all Tsarnaev's choice to remain silent. All he has to do to get the interrogation to stop is talk. Why is that so difficult for the faint of heart to understand?
Following the perpetrator's confession that there indeed are other bombs, he must then be asked nicely if there are any other conspirators. Upon his first instance of silence, the perpetrator is to be placed upon an inclined board, his mouth forced open and one quart of water poured down his throat. Further instances of silence shall result in additional quarts of water being poured until the perpetrator confesses all other conspirators.
Again, to those whose conscience might intrude at this point to offer qualms about drowning Tsarnaev or causing him to fear drowning, I would meekly submit that Tsarnaev should have thought of that before endangering the Public Safety. Only those who hate our freedoms could place the welfare of such a scoundrel before the Public Safety.
Furthermore, should Tsarnaev fail to divulge the required information, I propose that medications necessary to his survival be withheld and that he be made fully aware that he will only receive those medications should he cooperate.
It is not torture if the Public Safety demands it. I humbly offer this modest proposal in the interest of promoting the General Welfare of our Republic, both now and in the future.
1:44 PM PT: 2nd poll choice should read 'Bring back John Yoo". I need to keep my torturers and Asian film directors straight. Apologies from your humble narrator.
1:56 PM PT: It's as if Jonathan Swift had proposed that Ireland's poor eat their children to stave off famine, only to be instructed in better ways for the poor to farm potatoes. No one ever said a satirist's life would be easy.