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Folks, I am interrupting tonight's regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you breaking news. Repeat, tonight's Colbert Report will not be seen, because there has been a major development in the investigation into the tragic attack on our embassy in Benghazi, Libya.
Since last September, Fox News has been pursuing this story doggedly, to uncover how the administration blew it, when they blew it, why they blew it, and how they will continue to have blown it. And most importantly, how is this car still burning?
I mean, it's been 8 months! (wild audience cheering and applause) For God's sake, the Maccabees' oil only lasted 8 days! If that isn't suspicious, it's at least miraculous!
Well, buckle up folks. Click, click. Because, this story is about to take off like a rocket ship to planet Scandaltown.
FOX NEWS FEMALE ANCHOR (5/7/2013): Well, tension is mounting in the nation's capitol. That's where in just one day, we will hear the testimony of three whistleblowers about the Benghazi terror attack.
STEVE DOOCY (5/7/2013): What one says could shake up the Obama administration, bigtime.
BRIAN KILMEADE (5/7/2013): It's gonna be explosive.
FOX NEWS ANCHOR (5/7/2013): ... explosive ...
LOU DOBBS (5/6/2013): ... explosive indeed ...
FOX NEWS MALE ANCHOR (5/6/2013): These are big, big charges.
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (5/6/2013): The dam's about to break on Benghazi.
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (5/5/2013): It's gonna make you mad.
It's gonna make me mad?
Oh. Oooh. Ooooooooh! I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve, who's about to get the bike he asked for, and it's on fire!
So, just what are these whistleblowers going to say?
CHRIS WALLACE (5/5/2013): We don't know what these guys are actually going to say.
Folks, this is the best possible kind of political story. We have no idea what's in it, and it's going to be explosive. It's the Taco Bell of breaking news! (audience cheering and applause) Mmm, could go for a little Bell. I could make a run for the border.
So Jim, let's start the Benghazi countdown to something that will make you mad clock.
Folks, this is great. It is win-win. Because, if tomorrow I don't learn something that makes me mad, I will be furious! (said gleefully)