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Rush Limbaugh just watched an episode of Hawaii Five-O in which a fictional couple were kidnapping young women in order to collect welfare benefits on them (no, I don't know how you collect welfare benefits for someone you've kidnapped, I haven't seen Hawaii Five-O since the last time I was home sick from school in the sixth grade, and back then there were only maybe five damn channels so you took what you could get). Then the couple would murder the kids when they come of age and the welfare benefits (again, how?) stopped coming. Here Rush is, then, talking about the Cleveland kidnappings, and doing a truly bang-up job of demonstrating exactly how the conservative monkey seance works:
Three women, missing nine plus years, found alive, all were teenagers when they disappeared—does anybody know yet why? Has the story advanced yet? […] Three brothers, but not related to the three women, have been arrested in Cleveland, which voted Obama—NOT that that's got anything to do with anything! —one of who has a baby … double welfare benefits, if one of the women has a baby. No, I don't know, I just wanted to—fascinating, here the same thing happened last night on Hawaii Five-O, and I guarantee you people watching, oh it happened on TV. It is for real.
Get it? All right, I may have to explain this one further. Step one, you hold a deeply conservative ritual in order to summon the spirit of a dead conservative monkey—true conservatives try for one that's had a close movie relationship with famous conservative mind Ronald Reagan, but barring that, any non-living primate with a chip on its shoulder will do. Step two, the monkey spirit will screech wildly at you: It is the job of the conservative think tanker, radio host or other pundit to interpret these screeches into human words, things like "old television shows guide the way," or "welfare benefits" or "Cleveland voted for Obama." Step three, the Oxymoron (this is the official name for a holder of any given conservative monkey seance, and is a time-honored tradition steeped in both esteem and ritualized yelling) then assembles these words into something that will pass for a conservative philosophy on any given topic.
To wit: "I wonder if these kidnappings in Cleveland were the product of three men attempting to collect the generous welfare checks given to kidnapped children by Barack Obama, who would not yet be in office when these three teenage women were kidnapped but who conspicuously enjoys political popularity in Cleveland at the moment. Ha ha, JustKiddingButItSureMakesYouThink."
We'll have more installments of Conservative Monkey Seance Theater as events warrant. I hear Darrell Issa held a hearing on Benghazi conspiracies, for example, and that reminds me of the time the Harlem Globetrotters were on Gilligan's Island and Thurston Howell III killed Gilligan and stuffed his body into a coconut-powered freezer made by the professor and Lovey covered for him the whole time and I don't know why they did it or what any of that had to do with the Harlem Globetrotters ButItSureMakesYouThink.
More discussion can be found in the recommended diary by Clytemnestra.
Originally posted to Hunter on Wed May 08, 2013 at 02:26 PM PDT.