I have an assignment. I need to write a background for a psychologist so I can have a new MMPI done.
It's not easy.
MMPI stands for Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. It's a rather long psych test--about 5 hours. It's being done because my ex is dragging me back to court about custody matters, and no matter how many letters I get from mental health professionals saying I'm perfectly safe, he just insists that because they say I'm safe, they must not be qualified.
So I'm getting the whole works done again. It should help with my SSI claim, too.
But it means that I have to write up my background, and that's triggering.
Back over all the abuse in my past. What my parents did. What my father did. What my ex did. I remembered an incident from school... (teachers intervened, but still). The year that I spent disassociating, because I was finally AWAY from my parents.
I haven't been with my ex since our kids were toddlers. He hated me from the time my disability became apparent. He still tries to find ways to abuse me. Our daughter will be 13 in August. He says that if I just give up custody he'll let me see them freely and he'll stop taking me to court for more money that he knows that I don't have, and that he doesn't need. After all, retaining the lawyer and filing twice a year is taking more than he will get from someone who is indigent, right?
But I dig in my past until it hurts too much, then take a break until I can breathe again. Because I can't give up my kids. That would break me too much. Even if right now I have no way to see them, and I know he's telling them I don't want to.