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Specially-trained patriotic privateers are America's first line of defense against embarrassing revelations about our awesome government

Intro

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Thank God we escaped an imminent terrorist attack on our embassies! It gave a great opportunity for a few useful mouthpieces to remind TeeVee watchers that the threat is real and that their most important job is protecting us*.

In a bizarre NSA/Army/Whitehouse leak to The Daily Beast (or is that Newsweek?) on August 3rd, appropriate propagandists claimed that "Officials" had intercepted an Al Qaeda conference call as the excuse for launching a terror alert! just as Congress was beginning to put in some mouth time complaining about the US Armed Forces rifling through their constituent's (and perhaps their benefactor's) private affairs.

Some say that some interested members of the public are asking, "What exactly is an Al Qaeda conference call?" "Can you and your friends make your own Al Qaeda conference call through Google Hangouts?" "How about a Skype Group Call?" Sure! There's all sorts of free internet conference call outfits out there.

The NSA is so stupid, however, that even if you spoke English but faked a Middle Eastern accent on your Al Qaeda conference call, there would be huge multi-agency SWAT teams busting down your door at 3 AM the following morning. Heli-choppers, machine guns, tear gas, grenade launchers, bullet-proof vests and fancy homeland domestic combat uniforms — the whole nine yards. They'd take you in and lock you in a closet somewhere without food or water for days. Come to think of it, having your own Al Qaeda conference call could easily get you killed by zealots.

But hey! Did you know that Edward Snowden is escaping on (hard left-leaning!) President Evo Morales' plane? Neither do I, but intelligence "Officials" sure knew . . .

After a few thousand operator errors occur and lots and lots of Americans get their personal matters scrutinized by a bunch of fucking nerds, one might wonder if the NSA is more like a clown college than it is like a national security agency. Since they're part of the Department of Defense, surely they run a tight ship, hire only the best of the best, and are subject to an environment similar to the rigors of military discipline, aren't they?

Nah, they're loaded with more money than any of us know, they are a feeding trough for big defense contractors to wallow in. 70% of the NSA's money goes to corporate privateers — well connected privateers. No dumbass freelance Joe could waltz into headquarters and offer them up ideas or services. It's only the big boys that get to sell the scheme to implant long-distance RFID chips in falafel balls to track the bowel movements of dangerous Muslimaics (or anti-Wall Street protestors).

Nope, I think we're stuck having the Armed Forces spy on us forever. It's just too damn good for the business of the Homeland. If they took my personal advice and shut the whole damn outfit down, then that means the terrorist would win.

The NSA's job #1 is to keep existing. Job #2 is to grow, and one of the best ways of maintaining growth is to invent all sorts of new spy schemes and threats, and sell them to clueless and/or corrupt Officials.

Besides, they've been on a roll defending America and exposing new dangers, such as the formation of Al Qaeda in Egypt, who have swept in following the collapse of the Islamic Brotherhood. This new information means the terrorists are moving further west and present an ever-greater threat to the United States. Mushroom cloud.

They're working hard to protect America from threats in Brazil, too. And France, certainly Bolivia, and maybe even your neighbor next door.

* Us referring to the reputation and budget worthiness of the NSA.

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