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Corn farmers in the lush fields surrounding Peoria are facing a terrifying new problem after Monsanto offered them a rush solution for a recent plague of rootworms.

In a hurried effort to deal with the failure of its GMO corn to either produce the bumper crops promised or to kill the rootworms that have been the constant enemy of monocultured corn, Monsanto offered farmers in this region a genetic treatment for their crops guaranteed to solve both problems.

That guarantee has turned into a living nightmare, as farmers have had to turn to homemade napalm and Molotov cocktails to protect their families from their own crops.


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The new genetic treatment cost farmers only $150 per acre, and was applied by crop dusters in mid-August. It acts on the corn crop in two ways. It inserts DNA from the Dionaea muscipula plant, or Venus Flytrap into the growing corn, giving it the means to kill any insect pests that attack by simply eating them.

Second, it inserts DNA into any rootworm alive in the field at the time of spraying with growth hormones that so stimulate its metabolism as to make it “grow itself to death” within a few days, according to one Monsanto employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Within two weeks, wild stories began trickling in from farmers around Peoria County of desperate battles between ravenous corn stalks with multiple, gaping mouths trying to kill and eat equally vicious corn rootworm larva as large as cows.

It is no longer safe for farmers to approach their own crop, or to stay in their homes. Most farm families have had to be evacuated by helicopter from their rooftops. Regrettably, several choppers flew too low as they exited the scene, and were seized by swarms of adult rootworm beetles in search of protein.

Monsanto is offering full refunds on the costs of spraying the crops, minus fuel, pilot wages, insurance and a small handling fee. They have also promised a free triple-treatment of jellied gasoline, Agent Orange and concentrated chlorine flakes on all fields to prepare them properly for more food crops.

As black smoke from the burning fields hangs like a pall over this bucolic county, Monsanto has sued several local farmers for slander over derogatory remarks overheard at the local diner. The gag order from the local District Court informs these miscreants that if they don’t immediately cease and desist from making any comments at all about their personal finances, or missing family members, or corn, or worms, or Monsanto, or farming, or Peoria or the weather then they will not get any seeds from Monsanto for next year’s crop. And no more Roundup, either.

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