Airheads Come Up With a Plan
Dissatisfied with threatening to shut down only the government, House Majority Leader John Boehner hinted last week that his delegation was considering shutting down the supply of air in the United States. This plan remains "on the table," he said, unless Republican demands are met to completely defund all social programs "forever," or at least until "just before the 2014 elections."
"Hopefully, everyone without their own supply of air would be dead by that date, anyway," Congressman James Freemarket said. "That means that those still breathing would be able to see quite clearly on which side their bread was moldy." He whined, "I just want my country back. Clearly, there are too many people taking up my valuable resources."
Cong. Bill Spittoon added, "A lot of people who think they have a right to breathe but obviously do not have that 'right.' Where is the right to breathe in the Constitution? The Lord should smite them. But since He is not doing the job, Congress must."
Given equal time to respond, Congressional Democrats said they didn't think the Republican plan was "a particularly good idea," but, they added, "we can't come up with anything better." Senator Harry Reid said, "So we have decided to poll the American people to see if we should turn off the air completely, or if maybe they would accept a partial shutdown."
President Obama on the Canadian Threat
President Barack Obama said yesterday that the U.S. will not invade Canada this week, though he wants to "leave our options open."
The crisis developed when the President watched a program on PBS about the Canadian health care system. In a strongly-worded statement, for him, the President said that Ottawa's practice of providing free health care for its own people "shall not stand."
"Such a practice is barbaric and clearly against the tenets of the Geneva Convention," Obama said. "Insurance companies must be involved as intermediaries, so that private enterprise can suck as many profits from sick and dying people as possible. Costs must be allowed to rise beyond what anyone can afford, according to the markets." He added, "The first concern of all great democracies must be the health of the economy, not the health of the people. Canada, do not force us to send in a missile or two, or perhaps a small fleet of killer dolphins. Today, I am drawing a line in the snow."
(Later the President downgraded his threat. Any incursion would involve only small arms fire, he hinted yesterday, and then maybe only around border towns, possibly only involving poachers and in cooperation with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. It is rumored that Russia may intercede on Ottawa's behalf.)
Republican reaction to the President's position was quick and typically vitriolic. "'President' Obama has once again proven his cosmic inability to govern," Senator Ted Cruz said. "And, yes, you can hear the air quotes as I speak them out loud. Anyway, the man is a threat to the country and to world peace… I… Hey, wait a minute! That's a Republican position! I, um, well…"
Senator's Brain Explodes
In a scene straight out of Mars Attacks, Senator Ted Cruz's brain exploded during a press conference yesterday. He is now resting comfortably at home. A spokesperson said, "We expect the Senator to be back in his seat tomorrow. As a typical hard-working, dedicated member of the U.S. Congress he wasn't using his brain anyway."