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Please begin with an informative title:

1. Using the databases compiled in two successful elections (plus possibly a boost from NSA-gathered metadata), President Obama contacts all American citizens aged 3 to 11.

2. President Obama informs said citizens of the National Zoo's PandaCam, on which visitors may watch the zoo's pandas, including adorable nursing newborns. The president skips around the more awkward truths (pandas pretty much sleep all day) and tells said citizens the ability to look in on adorable zoo babies is one of the many things government can do.

3. The president informs said citizens that, if Republicans can't agree on keeping the government open, the PandaCam goes off tonight.

4. President sends phone number and email link of congressperson to each citizen, concludes with, "Ask your parents to call them."

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