JON STEWART: So all right. Christie and McAuliffe, obviously these elections will have tremendous ramifications for the day-to-day administrating and policies of these two great states, ramifications that will impact real people's lives. For more on the substantive policy effects of these elections, we go to our news analysis.... I'm just fucking with you. Set the speculometer to three years hence!!Video below the fold.
WOLF BLITZER (11/6/2013): What does the New Jersey race say about Chris Christie's prospects in 2016?JON STEWART: Magic! To infinity... and beyond!! You know what? The Best Fucking News Team joins me right now. Best Fucking News Team, for more on last night's vote, let's bring them all in here. All right, with us tonight, we've got Sir Aasif Mandvi, Jason Jones, Esquire, and Dr. Al Madrigal. Guys, once again, the media spends months and months speculating on what's going to happen in this election, what might happen in this election, then on the eve of the election, they spend 10 minutes reporting on what actually happens, and jump right back into what it means for the next election!
KATE BOLDUAN (11/6/2013): McAuliffe came out on top. ... What this all means for 2016.
WOLF BLITZER (11/6/2013): What do the results say about the Tea Party.
JOHN KING (11/5/2013): If Virginia is in play, then Ohio is in play.
ED SCHULTZ (11/6/2013): This was a great night for the Democrats.
MSNBC (11/6/2013): It was not a great night for the Tea Party.
WOLF BLITZER (11/6/2013): Should conservative Republican candidates be nervous?
JOHN KING (11/5/2013): If Virginia is in play, then Florida is in play.
PIERS MORGAN (11/6/2013): What does it mean for, say, Senator Ted Cruz's campaign?
HALA GORANI (11/5/2013): What could it mean for the possible Hillary Clinton run?
DANA BASH (11/6/2013): Cuccinelli's defeat, and what that means for Rubio.
JOHN KING (11/6/2013): This 2013, turns into 2014, and we begin to think of 2016.
AL MADRIGAL: It's pathetic.
JASON JONES: It's embarrassing.
AASIF MANDVI: Yeah, fuck those guys!
JON STEWART: Yeah, fuck those guys.
AASIF MANDVI: They were way off.
JON STEWART: Way off, they were... wait, what? They were way off?
AASIF MANDVI: Yeah. The message of this election's clear. Terry McAuliffe's win proves that in 2016, Democrats will nominate Terry McAuliffe.
JON STEWART: Wait, Terry McAuliffe? That's idiotic. Why would he....?
AASIF MANDVI: He won!
JON STEWART: He won one election, that's....
AL MADRIGAL: How do you not get that?
JASON JONES: Yeah, it's math, Jon.
JON STEWART: This election proves, then, for the Republicans that Chris Christie will be the nominee in 2016? Is that right?
JASON JONES: Oh Jon. Sweet, sweet brain-damaged Jon. Let me mash up this news and spoon-feed it to you. Based on last night's results, we can absolutely see that in 2016, Republican voters will want a tough-talking no-nonsense non-Tea Party Northeasterner who's had lap-band surgery.
JON STEWART: So Governor Christie.
JASON JONES: Governor Christie?! No! Open your ears, man! The next President of the United States is Rex Ryan. A blue-blooded Northerner, big salty presence, and has the fluctuating weight that America's electorate is clearly clamoring for. And, he proved he's not afraid to stand up to the religious right.
AASIF MANDVI: That's great work. That's a nice analysis right there.
JON STEWART: This is ridicu.... Al Madrigal, you're buying this?
AL MADRIGAL: Not really, Jon. For my money, the real message from yesterday's election is Americans are thirsty for a Spanish-speaking Italian-American Sasquatch of a man — if, and I say this if, they are also married to a former black lesbian.
JON STEWART: You mean a black former lesbian, cuz....
AL MADRIGAL: Do I? Clearly, she experimented with both, and stuck with one.
JON STEWART: You know, you guys are going way out on a limb here.
AASIF MANDVI: No, I think it's smart political analysis.
JASON JONES: True expertise.
AL MADRIGAL: Making up bullshit cuz there's no consequence for being wrong.
(audience laughter and applause)
JON STEWART: See, that's my point! Let me show you something. This is true. These are from their past big electoral night predictions.JOHN KING (11/3/2010): What does 2010 mean for 2012?
BILL O'REILLY (11/17/2010): I'll tell you who the Vice Presidential candidate is going to be — Marco Rubio.11/2/2010:
CHARLIE ROSE: Presidential nominee.
AL HUNT: Sarah Palin.FOX NEWS WOMAN (11/8/2006): I'd say Hillary Clinton, absolutely, hands down. She's got the money.JASON JONES: Yeah, so what's your point?
MARC LAMONT HILL (11/3/2010): I think the person, believe it or not, is actually Mike Huckabee.
JOHN FUND (11/3/2010): Marco Rubio ... 2012, Vice Presidential nominee.
SUZANNE MALVEAUX (7/6/2010): What does this mean for 2012?
CHRIS MATTHEWS (12/19/2005): Subway series — it's Rudy vs. Hillary in 2008.
JON STEWART: They were all completely wrong!
AL MADRIGAL: And they're all still on TV!
AASIF MANDVI: Yeah!
(high-five each other)
JON STEWART: Aasif Mandvi, Jason Jones, and Al Madrigal, everybody. I don't like it! We'll be right back.
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