Once again I’m hearing CEO’s say that “if they ran their business like the Government, they'd be out of business.” I agree with that statement. The Government is not a business, never has been, and never should be.
To see how ridiculous this is, I want to imagine what the restructuring of our Government would look like if it were a corporation. Follow me below the Spirograph generated twirler for the reorganization of USA Inc.
Let’s listen in on an investor presentation regarding USA Inc.
We have a three-point plan;
• Cost reduction
• Increase revenues
• Aggressive M&A operations
Less profitable aspects of the ongoing concern shall be sold off. We will divest Medicare, Medicaid, SNAP, and Unemployment Compensation. The outlook for these markets is flat with declining profitability. The new owners will take over distribution of benefits and develop a profitable business model.
We will reduce USA Inc.'s future liabilities by transferring our employee pension plans to the Pension Guarantee Fund Corp. We will keep our executive plans and non-deductible health benefits. As you know our executives are irreplaceable.
USA Inc. will automate time-consuming inspections for food safety, emissions violations, oil well safety, tariffs, and new drug approvals to name a few. We’ll let our customers police themselves & pay predetermined fees or fines through our new web portal. For customer ease, they can now use PayPal!
USA Inc. will continue to receive Social Security funds. This revenue stream will be increased by charging users new fees. One option, issue debit cards to beneficiaries, then charge one dollar per transaction and three dollars per cash withdrawal.
We will maximize our high-tech assets by taking full ownership of any past technology or patent that USA Inc. has paid to develop. The Justice Department will accomplish this since they have a plethora of legal capabilities. Patent suit and settlement operations shall be their top priority. Since the Government pays in advance for all DOD and NASA R&D, there is a vast amount of revenue to
sue for raise here.
Weather forecasters will start paying for all USA Inc. satellite imagery. The Weather Channel and local weather stations will start paying user fees to access our weather prediction models. The highest bidder will get the most accurate predictions —hurricane season will be quite profitable. Google Earth will also start paying a fee to access any satellite imagery.
The FAA and TSA services are going to start charging substantial fees. These entities will transform into profit centers under a new CEO. They’ll be turned profitable through fees and B2B service agreements. One suggestion, give the highest airline bidder priority departure and landing preferences at airports or allow their passengers to jump security lines.
USA Inc. is sitting on over 2.5 trillion in Social Security capital to use for some aggressive merger and acquisition operations.
The first step will be into adjacent markets by purchasing States. The prime criteria for targets will be States that provide us more revenue than we send them.
We have also begun to evaluate other countries for acquisitions. Possible targets should have vast natural resources and be heavily in debt. Unfortunately, that list is quite extensive. To maximize our negotiation leverage, we are looking at countries near one of our existing military deployments. Nothing helps a negotiation more than the sixth fleet sitting right off their coast line. We also plan to do some supersonic flyovers during meetings to grease the wheels.
Thank you everyone for listening to our strategic plan for the reorganization of USA Inc. We sincerely hope you will invest with us, we guarantee large returns. As an added bonus — for our platinum investors — an opportunity to re-name any city of your choice. We provide this is an added bonus to our exclusive 1% clientele.
And that is why our government shouldn’t be run like a business,
it’s not supposed to make money…….$$