HOUSE RULE" If you can't be kind, begone.
If you don't think this is a suitable topic for a diary, feel free not to read it. If you think I am behaving like the perfect wife, completely in control, always reasonable, never, ever angry, then you're being unrealistic and you probably have never lost one spouse and are suddenly faced with real possibility of losing another When my first husband died, I anted to be Jackie Kennedy, reserved and stoic in my grief, a model of poise and grace under pressure. Until a friend of mine pointed out thst she was likely on Valium or something similar--and she probably sobbed her heart when the camera was off.
And if you haven't been in this position , you are comment in ignorance, because nobody knows they'll react until they are. It isn't the same as losing a parent. I've buried both of mine. It is a major health crisis right out of the blue. It is devastating and terrifying and utterly unexpected.
I called the doctor yesterday. He gave ne a snall amount Valium with several refills. Good guy, and he didn't fail to make the twin diagnoses of the need for bypass and diabetes because Ben was asymptomatic for both. He'd checked his hear back in the fall for a touch of of a cold. That chest pain was the first real symptom.
I let MiL clean. It made her happy. It was just easier and once she got to do laundfy and change the litter, she was much more congenial
I went to see him this morning. I have been feeling very shut out, like MiL is welcome sight but I am being sent home. Actually what I observed today is that Ben is having real breathing difficulties, from sinus and the surgery. He is pretty much unhappy with anyone and I heard him yell at her today. She doesn't have much of a personality except for superior attitude complete-talking Southern drawl. If I had to deal with her. I'd be pissed off at the world too.
What I learned was very reassuring. I've felt like he didn't want me around, but he was just fine with MiL. Turns out that isn't true. He s in a lot of pain (another thing she didn't tell me) and he is cranky x3 with everyone, including her. His anger isn't just directed at me (hey, I am safe; he knows I'll cry by myself and forgive him). What I don't understand is why she painted a rosier picture of his behavior, leaving me trying to figure out that the hell I as doing wrong (yes, I made my displeasure known on Wed. to the receptionist; I saw her today doing absolutely nothing, restrained the urge to flip her off, and kept walking, all the while fantasizing about suitable fates for her). I can handle impersonal anger and pissed-offness, but I was wondering if all this was having a negative effect on our relationship, because the way MiL talked, it sounded like he enjoyed her company but didn't want me around.
The next big step is when he comes home or whether he goes to rehab. I told Faye and him flat-out that if it comes to rehab, I and only will make the decision--and they damned well better give me nore than a couple of hours notice. If I hadn't stated googling them, and accepted the very pretty facility near Faye's---turns out it's one of the 57 worst homes in the country. Faye chirpld that she'd heard they
d improved greatly. I tol her that I wouldn't send my worst enemy ther because the violations weren't just not-so hot food or the occasional clog-up of patients at the nurse's station--they were unintended bedsore, unanswered call buttons and the like--stuff that can get you dead. I asked her if she knew how to select a rehab facility. SHe said no./ I told her that i did, because I can check the inspection reports with the State of GA for problems and also google for complaints against them. If I hadn't taken control, they'd have sent him to cess pool--and so would Faye, because it's new and looks pretty on the outside. She didn't t even know you could check out inspection reports and google for complaints (she is computer illiterate). So THAT decision is left to me to make if necessary.
The Valium helped me sleep, soothed the night terrors, controlled the back spasms and took the edge of my fears and made them bearable. I ate dinner at 6 tonight instead of waiting till, oh, 9pm. The problem is that I really am not hungry and have no interest in cooking. Thank Goddess for some decent frozen Italian meals.