Last night, Jon Stewart had an epic opening segment on how Fox News accuses Obama of distracting from what they want to talk about, when it's actually them who want to distract the American people from what's really important.
I don't know if you saw it on Fox on Sunday there, but before the Seahawks scrimmaged with the... (audience whooping and cheering) team of stoned Colorado teenagers, Fox aired another world class matchup, as the most powerful man in the free world sat down with Obama (audience laughter) to cover topics like loose nukes, Middle East peace, trade regulations, and the environment. Dah, I'm just fuckin' with you!Video below the fold.
BILL O'REILLY (2/2/2014): Libya. ... Your detractors believe that you did not tell the world it was a terror attack because your campaign didn't want that out. ... I gotta get to the IRS. ... But you're saying no corruption. None. ... Health care. ... When did you know there were going to be problems with those computers?Look at that! O'Reilly, dipping whole scale into the full Fox scandal grab bag. And while many of those issues have been thoroughly investigated on multiple occasions, it's a big show, it's the Super Bowl pre-show, you gotta play the hits! You think the Chili Peppers are going to come out at halftime of the Super Bowl and not go full nipple? No! They're going to go full nipple! (audience laughter) It's the Super Bowl.
2/2/2014:(massive audience cheering)
BILL O'REILLY: You think I've been unfair to you? You think I've been giving you...?
BARACK OBAMA: Absolutely! Of course you are, Bill.
Pass the nachos, mama!BARACK OBAMA (2/2/2014): We just went through an interview in which you asked about the health care not working, IRS was: "were we wholly corrupt?", Benghazi. ... These kinds of things keep on surfacing, in part, because you and your TV station will promote them.(Jon starts doing the sprinkler as audience cheers and applauds)
Holy mo...! That is quite an accusation. That Fox News unfairly promotes — and in some cases creates — scandals for the sole purpose of undermining this President. Although, in Obama's defense, it is true. (audience laughter) That is exactly what Fox does every day, with the exception of the one hour every two weeks where John Stossel exposes how homeless people are scamming the system.
So how did Fox News respond to this outrageous yet completely accurate charge?2/3/2014:Brilliant move! Deflect the spotlight from your many scandals by doing an interview with Fox about them right before the most-watched event in the history of television. That Obama! Keepin' it on the DL. (audience laughter)
SEAN HANNITY: Our Commander-in-Chief, well, he did what he does best, and he tried to, well, change the subject.
MEGYN KELLY GUEST: Picking a fight with Fox News is a great way to distract them.
BRENT BOZELL: He tried to turn it around into an attack on Fox.
You know, this isn't the first time that Fox has caught Obama hiding his scandals by doing the old — SQUIRREL!! — look over there. Take the Obamacare rollout.STEVE DOOCY (11/26/2013): He's trying to change the subject away from Obamacare to immigration.You know the President doesn't work for Fox, right? He can deviate from your script. It's like, "Equal rights for gay people? That's not your line! (audience laughter) Your line is, 'Yes, Obamacare is a rear-guard assault on the American values that we hold dear. Soon, I and my Muslim overlords will control the entire caliphate.' That's your line. SAY IT!!!" (wild audience cheering and applause)
SEAN HANNITY (1/12/2014): Quote, "income inequality". ... Let's distract the American people, have you chase rabbits, don't focus on Obamacare.
HEATHER CHILDERS (11/25/2013): News of the nuke deal has dominated political talk, which means focus has shifted away from Obamacare. ... It is yet another attempt to distract from the disastrous rollout.
GRETCHEN CARLSON (11/4/2013): He's talking also about equal rights for gays and lesbians in the workplace. ... Is this distraction, David, to not talking about Obamacare?
Of course, Fox has been all over Obama's misdirection juju from the get-go.ERIC BOLLING (5/23/2013): The President found time to make a speech highlighting his stances on drone strikes. ... This obvious attempt to distract the American people from what's really important, that being Benghazi cover-up.(BruinKid ed: Oh Marc, have you too been brainwashed by Fox News to repeat their talking points? Sigh....)
MARC LAMONT HILL (5/23/2013): President Obama used today's speech to reassert a very dangerous foreign policy. ... He's doing this to distract us from the IRS!
ERIC BOLLING: All of a sudden, there's a push for higher levels of gun registration. ... This is just to divert attention away from the big Fast and Furious scandal.
ANDREA TANTAROS: Absolutely, it's a complete distraction.
MONICA CROWLEY (6/25/2013): These things are planted by Barack Obama on purpose, Laura, to distract us from what's really going on. ... IRS, DOJ, NSA, Benghazi.
I'm beginning to think that may be the Fox News Buddhist mantra.
"First, we light the candles, and then of course, we begin to pray. Ommmmmmmm. IRS, DOJ, NSA, Benghazi. IRS, DOJ, NSA, Benghazi. IRS, DOJ, NSA, Benghazi. (wild audience cheering and applause) Mmmmmmmmmm."
If there is one thing that Obama's been trying to — SQUIRREL!! — us for his entire term, it's gotta be the economy.KARL ROVE (10/10/2010): This is a desperate political ploy by the White House to distract attention from the failed economic policies.Really?? Even killing bin Laden was a part of Obama's master distraction plan? Really?? What, do you think he went down and, "Hey look Osama, we boys. But have you seen my jobs numbers? I'm sorry, bro, I gotta take you out. There's only so many Portuguese water dogs I can adopt." (audience laughter)
STEVE DOOCY (10/11/2010): They're just trying to deflect attention from the economy.
AMY HOLMES (1/17/2014): Today, we're addressing the NSA. Why aren't we talking about the economy?
BRIAN KILMEADE (5/6/2011): Now we have definitive proof that it was Osama bin Laden. When do we start — do you think, with your strategy sessions — when do we start talking about the economy again?
At long last, President Obama, is there nothing you won't do to distract us from the economy?ANDREA TANTAROS (7/24/2013): Another day, another so-called major address from President Obama. This was at Knox College in Gainesville (sic), Illinois, on the economy, hoping to distract attention away from his scandals.WHAT THE FUCK?!? (audience laughter) I thought you just said he was using the scandals to distract us from the economy, now he's using the economy to distract us from the.... AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (flails arms about wildly) DAMNIT!!!
Hold on! (takes out math book)
What's going on here? I'm just going to get out my book of... mathematics. Holy shit! By the transitive properties of distraction, we find ourselves dangerously close to being caught in a Hawking-Oppenheimer Distraction Loop — creating a black hole of infinite distraction from which we can never divert our attention long enough to figure out — SQUIRREL!! — what's happening!
Wait a minute. What is Fox trying to accomplish here?BARACK OBAMA (8/9/2013): They've allowed an endless parade of political posturing and phony scandals to distract from growing our economy and strengthening the middle class.Oh no, it's begun!! (set starts shaking violently) The Distraction Loop!! But I had an IRS hearing scheduled for....
NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (massive audience cheering and applause)
Wait. Hold on. Unless, of course, Fox News is attempting to distract us from noticing that rather being a news organization, they are a spite-driven anger machine rooted in a fear that any change in the status quo will inevitably erode our nation's traditional power structure, leading to internment camps for "real" Americans, powered by solar energy and tacos. (audience laughter) Wait! Hard shell gay tacos. (audience laughter and applause)
Eh. It's probably the black hole thing. We'll be right back.