Welcome to Huitzilopotchtli, Incorporated! We’re a family-owned, faith-based company with roots in religious tradition stretching back to before the arrival of the European God on this continent – you can’t get any more religiously fundamental than that!
Our company was founded in order to provide open-heart surgery services for the poor, the indigent, and members of foreign tribes. Specifically, our intent was to provide, free of charge, the first half of the operation necessary for a human heart transplant, with the removed organ instead being used to appease, glorify, and strengthen great Huitzitlopotchtli, god of sun and war and the patron deity of the city of Tenochtitlan, as he makes his daily transit across the sky. In this regard, our surgeries are 100% effective – witness the Sun still crossing the sky, every day without fail – and we have never, ever heard a post-op complaint from anyone who’s actually had it performed on them.
We’re elated that the High Court has recently found that closely-held corporations are permitted to exercise overtly religious beliefs upon their employees. No one holds a corporation as closely as we do – when you’re in our line of work, you learn to keep your proprietary secrets pretty damn close – but things have changed ever since our priests informed us that our practice is no longer considered “Aggravated Felony Murder,” “Human Sacrifice,” or “Murder in the First Degree” under the Murican judicial code. Finally – and for the first time in almost 500 years – our surgeries can be performed as they were meant to: atop a grand building in the center of the city, in full view of the people and of awesome Huitzilopotchli.
We look forward to public resumption of our services in the very near future, and invite prospective investor/patients to get in now – at the base of the pyramid, as it were. The possibilities that derive from winning the favor of the Sun itself are endless; in our experience, they’ve ranged from fortunes in the solar panel market to empire-building to literally joining the gods in the heavens as a star.
The Ground Floor of Revival!
Now that Hobby Lobby v The Constitution has been decided in favor of one of man’s gods instead of his puny laws, our priests tell us that the precedent set in 1879 in Reynolds v U.S. – that one is entitled to one’s own religious beliefs, but not necessarily its practices – is now null and void. The silly judge and his unanimous court in Reynolds said that
Laws are made for the government of actions, and while they cannot interfere with mere religious belief and opinions, they may with practices. Suppose one believed that human sacrifices were a necessary part of religious worship; would it be seriously contended that the civil government under which he lived could not interfere to prevent a sacrifice?... To permit this would be to make the professed doctrines of religious belief superior to the law of the land, and, in effect, to permit every citizen to become a law unto himself. Government could exist only in name under such circumstances.Technically, we refer to our procedure as “extra-consensual tissue donation,” but the ancient jurist’s point is well-taken, as it is now the professed doctrine of civil government that religious beliefs are superior to the laws of the land. Because of this, it must now be “seriously contended that the civil government…could not interfere to prevent a sacrifice,” since such sacrifice can now reasonably be found to be “a necessary part of religious worship.”
98 U.S. 145 (1878)
Our Faith-Based Family
Most of our employees joined us when one of our Jaguar Warriors bludgeoned them into submission, then looped a flowery lasso around their necks and led them on a walking tour of the countryside as part of a closely-held group of “intern-oatls.” They were brought – all expenses paid, mind you – to our massive, pyramidal skyscraper in the center of town. Here their tissue donation was received with great fanfare by the gathered public, amid much drumming and blowing of conch shells, and they received their payment in the form of a soul released to a permanent home in the heavens.
Contrary to popular conjecture, our services are not required on a daily basis – Huitzilopotchli draws enough sanguineous succor during the 20 or so festive days of our solar calendar (which predates, and is more accurate than, the Gregorian calendar utilized by virtually all our competitors) that there’s no need to present him with offerings every time the sun appears in the sky. In fact, of the 18 feast days during our closely-held religious calendar, only one is dedicated to Huitzilopotchtli himself – so there’s a very good chance you’ll never be selected for the honor of satiating him. We think of it as “your loss,” but some of our employees have been with us for years and do not seem especially distraught at not having been selected for surgery. To each his own (almost all of the time), we always say.
Is the Procedure for You?
Should we choose you to undergo the procedure, you can look forward to an open-air surgical facility with panoramic views of the city. Our well-trained practitioners use only the sharpest obsidian knives to make the initial incision, and complete the remainder of the surgery in a matter of seconds (this is important, because Huitzilopotchli likes his hearts to still be beating when they are offered up). Having done your part to stave off the disaster of the Sun stopping in the sky or failing to climb into the heavens, your remains will be very expeditiously removed to our outpatient processing facility, conveniently located at the base of the temple. Your soul will achieve nothing less than immortality when it becomes one of the stars in the nighttime sky.
But What About Other Gods?
If you’re a member of another religious faith, don’t worry – Huitzilopotchtli could care less. Your blood runs red, doesn’t it? That’s good enough for him, and it makes you good enough for us.
Furthermore, our procedure carries with it the benefit of being 100% pro-life - it is a point of fact (and pride!) that no female patient who’s lain across our chac-mool has ever had an abortion afterwards. In the larger, spiritual and spatial/planetary senses, the efforts of our patients serve to venerate and strengthen the life-nurturing properties of the Sun – and again, we’ve never heard a post-op regret or complaint. Significantly, no such patient has ever whined that so-and-so was deriving greater benefit from the procedure than the he or she, either.
Beware the False Gods!
We take our responsibilities to provide sustenance for the Sun very seriously, but until recently, we were constrained from doing so by the laws of the United States. That dark era is over now – thanks again, five male Catholics from New York City! – and as noted above, we will soon be performing our services on members of the general public. We worry, however, that other, more nefarious gods may try to take advantage of what they perceive to be a ridiculously stupid High Court decision, perhaps even attempting to use its permissiveness as cover for acting on sick perversions.
We advise that just because one is allowed by law to do something, it doesn’t mean that one should necessarily do that thing. Saying you “worship Bacchus” should not entitle you to obligate your employees to participate in up to five wine-soaked orgies per month; ditto for causing your employees to engage in organized violence because one “venerates Mars,” while one’s rival is a “follower of Odin.” And let’s not even talk about the Cthulu people – best to just stay away from them. Their priests are crazy. Literally.
Become One with the Sun!
The window of opportunity is narrow – there’s a chance that those pyromaniac druids, for example, may attract undo scrutiny of the Old Ways when they start stuffing offerings into wicker effigies and torching them. That means you have to act now if you want to…
- Help end global warming – it’s the Sun that’s ultimately heating things up, right? Well, maybe if we start actually worshipping him again, his wrath will mellow a bit.
- Make a fortune in green technologies – your heirs will appreciate the wise investment you made by joining us. After all, whose solar panel company is the Sun likely to shine down on strongest – the one founded by a guy who gave his all, or the one run by the guy who goes to the church with the invisible Euro-God?
- Raise up a mighty city and build an empire – it sounds like the tagline to a video game, but that’s exactly what the Aztecs managed to do, by worshipping Huitzilopotchtli. See how things play out now that there’s a smallpox vaccine!
- Become a better person – really, what is your life next to that of the everlasting Sun? Relax into Huitzilopotchtli’s very warm embrace…now, you’re going to feel a slight prick…
Best of all, the investment is completely free AND comes with a 100% satisfaction garuntee!!! That’s right: all you need to do is show up at one of our induction facilities, and you’re in! And if you’re unhappy after the procedure, just let us know – you’ll be fully reimbursed for your time and your trouble. The efficiency of our customer service department is legendary!
Of course, if you’d like to donate all your worldly possessions to honor great Huitzilopotchli, that’d be awesome. Just have your wealth converted into cacao beans and quetzal feathers, and drop it off with the orderlies in the plaza before the main surgical facility. And while we’re on the subject of thanks, we’d again like to extend our appreciation to the High Court of Murica – none of this would’ve been possible without you guys! – and offer all five of the justices who ruled in our favor a place of honor at the top of the pyramid on the day we’re finally able to dedicate our new “hospital.”
Thanks again for your interest – we’ll look for you at the Chac-Mool!