The bank puts their pen on a chain because they don’t trust me to not steal it, yet, for some reason, I trust them with my money.
Boredom and emptiness are barely discernible from one another. Same goes for ice cream and happiness.
If a beautiful woman walked up to me, pointed a gun, then asked, "You know what this is about?"
I would just smile and nod my head.
I hate when people treat me like I'm above them. I will show you that I'm not. And that's not fun for anyone.
We were all born to fuck each other, one way or another.
Cop: Are those drugs?
Me: Is that a rocket launcher?
Cop: It’s my gun, not a rocket launcher.
Me: It’s weed, not drugs.
How to annoy someone:
1) Pretend to know something
2) Offer to share it
3) Write out an ironic list
4) Title it “How to annoy someone”
Bull: talking to himself Remember man, the red cape is a trick. You got this.
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO ME CAPE?
God said “Let there be light,” and ninjas were like “Dude what the fuck.”