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Please begin with an informative title:

For those of you not in the know, Ken Ham runs a staggeringly successful apologetics ministry called "Answers In Genesis". This includes a state-funded creationist theme park (still being constructed), a creationist 'museum', and a creationist website. The latter two collectively receive over a million visitors every year. Generally speaking, the primary purpose of all of these is to support the idea that the notion that a literal interpretation of the seven-day creation of existence approximately 6-8 thousand years ago is a reasonable thing to believe.

It occurred to me yesterday that Genesis, while its first few pages do detail the creation story, has far more to teach on a much wider variety of subjects than this. In this vein, I've taken the liberty of putting together a list of just a few of the many answers Genesis can provide us!

Intro

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1: ON WEALTH DISTRIBUTION

If you have plenty of food while other people are starving and penniless, consider using that food to get a whole bunch of free slaves!

(Bonus points if you only had that food because you were given insider knowledge which you didn't bother to distribute)

2: ON ALCOHOL

If a father gets drunk and impregnates his two daughters, it's their fault!

3: ON HOSPITALITY

Proper etiquette is -very- important. If you are entertaining two strangers and every man in your city comes to gang-rape them, politely suggest that they consider gang-raping your teenage daughters instead.

4: ON TRAVEL

When traveling with a spouse in a foreign land, be careful! Most foreigners will want to murder you and commit your wife to a life of sex-slavery. To avoid this, instruct your wife to tell everyone that you are her brother, and sell her into a life of sex-slavery!

5: ON RAISING LIVESTOCK

In order to achieve that unique aesthetic textures in your animals, set wooden rods peeled and carved to the desired speckled/spotted texture in front of your animals while they copulate.

(Make sure that these are within their line of sight during the act itself! This technique is wholly useless unless the animals can see the rods!)

6: ON FATHERHOOD

Should you hear a voice telling you to ritualistically murder and burn your only child on a sacrificial altar, it is imperative that you follow these orders to the letter. You will be greatly rewarded!

(NOTE: Answers in Genesis does not condone child sacrifice. Remember, God stopped Abraham before he killed Isaac, and will almost certainly stop you too!)

7: ON FATHERHOOD #2

Should you drink a little too much alcohol, tear all your clothes off, pass out in an undignified heap, and be accidentally spotted by one of your sons in this condition, it is imperative that you curse him and all his descendants to a life-time of servitude and subjugation!

(SEE Proverbs 13:24- "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.")

8: ON SEXUAL EDUCATION

Occasionally, some women (through no fault of their own!) are incapable of bearing children. Do not worry, ladies, there is hope! You have a wide variety of options that will allow you to carry on your husband's legacy. For instance, try convincing your husband to impregnate your household slave-girl!

9: ON APOLOGIZING

All of us lose our temper sometimes! What's important is that we learn our lesson afterwards. Still, we can often hurt peoples' feelings with our outbursts. That's why it's important to apologize. Remember, there's nothing that an "I'm sorry" and an "I won't do it again" can't fix. If the survivors of your holocaust are still a little upset with you, consider giving them a thoughtful gift, like a handmade drawing of a rainbow!

10: ON ASTRONOMY

Many so-called "scientists" will tell you that our planet is one of eight in a solar system that is itself one of a hundred million in a galaxy that is itself one of millions and billions in an awesomely large, ever-expanding universe. This is foolishness. The earth is flat and the night sky is a water dome with lights in it.

11: ON CREATIVE WRITING

If you're having trouble with writer's block, don't worry! A great trick is to introduce a new character and then create a genealogy for him. Stream of consciousness writing is a great tool here! You can list sons, wives, daughters, cousins, ancestors, whatever you like! Just keep listing family members until your writer's block is cured!

(NOTE: Many authors worry that this sort of tactic disrupts the flow of the story. Worry not! Research shows that 100% of readers will reflexively skip to the end of the genealogy whenever one appears!)

12: ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE

Should a person commit fratricide, he is to be scolded most severely and granted invincibility.

13: ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE #2

It is completely ethical to punish a child for the crimes of his parents. Similarly, it is ethical to punish a child for the crimes of his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents.

14: ON MILITARY STRATAGEMS

Should your family seek vengeance against a group that they cannot defeat ordinarily, an excellent trick is to convince the men of the rival faction to chop off their foreskins and then attack while they are recovering.

15: ON CONTRACEPTION

The pull-out method is one of the most ineffective methods of birth control ever conceived of. If you discover that a man uses the pull-out method, kill him.

16: GENERAL GREAT TIP

If you want to get a sweet new nickname, randomly wrestle a complete stranger and don't let him out of your pin until he gives you a really cool one.


EDIT: As per request, I've included chapter and verse for each event I'm referencing. Mostly. I've also included a basic description of the event I'm referring to.


1: Genesis 47: 13-21 (Joseph receives early knowledge of the famine, and keeps this knowledge to himself. When the other nations run out of money, he allows them to sell themselves into slavery in exchange for food)
2: Genesis 19: 30-36 (Lot impregnates his daughters while black-out drunk)
3: Genesis 19: 1-8 (Lot graciously suggests that the townsmen gang-rape his daughters instead of his two angel visitors)
4: Genesis 12: 10-20, Genesis 20: 1-16, Genesis 21: 22-34, Genesis 26: 1-33 (Abraham and Isaac, in three different eerily similar situations, are afraid that the filthy foreigners will murder them and claim their wives, so they convince their wives to claim that they are brother and sister, so that the foreigners won't feel the need to murder the husband before taking the beautiful wife as a sex-slave.)
5: Genesis 30: 37-43 ("Trickster" Jacob pulls off his coolest stunt yet by ensuring the spotted/speckled coloring of animals by putting specially spotted/speckled rods in front of them while they are copulating)
6: Genesis 22: 1-18 (Abraham is honored by YHVH after following the commands of the voice in his head and preparing to sacrifice his only son Isaac to YHVH)
7: Genesis 9: 20-27 (Noah curses Ham and all his descendants to a life of servitude after Ham accidentally sees him drunkenly passed out while not wearing any clothing.)
8: Genesis 30: 1-5 (Rachel gets irritated that she's not getting any children, so she presents Jacob her slave-girl Bilhah, whom he impregnates. Rachel then rejoices.)
9: Genesis 9: 8-17 (God kills pretty much everything in the world, then gives the world's most half-hearted apology ever and then promises never to kill the whole world again WITH A FLOOD by inventing the rainbow)
10: Genesis 1: 6-8, Genesis 1, 14-15 (God makes the water-dome sky and then puts lights in it)
11: Everywhere in Genesis. The original writers got a LOT of writer's block.
12: Genesis 4: 8-15 (Cain kills his brother, is then punished by a severe scolding, being forced to travel a lot, and being granted invincibility)
13: Genesis 3: 17-19 (The 'original sin' is the most obvious example, but cursing family lines is something that YHVH does surprisingly often)
14: Genesis 34: 11-29 (Simon and Levi, sons of Jacob, filled with vengeance after the rape of their sister Dinah, convince all the men in the town to chop off their foreskins and then attack them while they recover, slaughtering all of them.)
15: Genesis 38: 9-10 (YHVH kills Onan after Onan pulls out rather than impregnate his dead brother's widow)
16: Genesis 32: 22-28
(Jacob wrestles YHVH/"the angel", defeats him, and only lets go once YHVH/the angel blesses him with a new name. Interestingly, more accurate translations tend to translate it as YHVH himself, whereas newer 'reader friendly' versions tend to refer to the being Isra'el wrestled as an angel.

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