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Please begin with an informative title:

For the last four years, I've been working on a story that I wanted to tell. I've updated it many times. It isn't just text. I realized that I think in visuals, and I needed to make it an animated story. So I learned how to do that. It's been a very hard trip, but I found open source software for animation called Blender.

I didn't really understand just how hard it would be when I started. It takes a team of people to tell an animated story. Someone needs to build the models, and someone else generally makes a rig which is like giving the model bones so it can move. Someone else makes the textures which determine color and how things shine in the light. Somewhere near the end, the animator is the guy who gives it a soul. I wanted to be an animator. I couldn't go to school because of my student loans, so I just learned at home. Every time I find out there was something new to learn, I just added it to the list.

A couple months ago I reached the end of the list. I know how to do everything now. I'll still need to improve different parts of course, but I know every single thing I need to know to make the animation.

A couple days ago I tried to install some new software to help handle the sound part of my preview. It broke the system, and I can't open Blender now. It happened at the worst possible time. I was about to launch a kickstarter to get the sort of computer I'd need to make my animated movie. I was working on some preview video when my computer died on me.


You must enter an Intro for your Diary Entry between 300 and 1150 characters long (that's approximately 50-175 words without any html or formatting markup).

I've been in this fog since then. I'm sorry if anything I said didn't make sense. I'm not angry at anyone here. It's just hard for me to think right now. I'm going to try and peirce the fog of depression I seem to be in, and make one more attempt to get a little further with this computer.

 Its kind of incredible that I went this far, and now in the last few minutes it seems to be falling apart. I knew that my chances were slim, but I hoped I would at least get a chance to tell the stories I have planned. I'm not sure that I will at this point. I'm out of time. At this point, I don't even have a chair to sit in while I work. The spine of the chair broke earlier this month. It contributed to this air of finality I've had for awhile.

I always knew it might come to this, but I  gave my life to this computer amuwau. I changed every part of myself to do what I've done. Sometimes when I dream at night I can see all the things I ever dreamed of. Sometimes I dream in code. Sometimes I see both. My emotions aren't the same anymore. There won't be much of me left if this computer goes.

My next step in the process is that I'm going to try to backup my work, and get another operating system. I'll need something free, so I'll install the latest release of Ubuntu and see if I can get my work to fly. I'm not sure this is going to work. In addition to the software issue, my computer has been overheating when I tried to render the animation for the preview. Rendering animation is incredibly hard on a computer, and this thing doesn't have much life left in it. The video card will likely burn out soon. I just wish it could have lasted a little longer.

The thing that bothers me the most is that nobody may ever see anything I did. Even if I had posted the kickstarter and it failed, at least people would have known I was almost there. It feels like I never really existed at all. I just walked around for awhile, and then faded out of sight without ever doing anything. I did do things.

If I can come back I will, but its possible I won't be able to make it back to Daily Kos again. I appreciate talking to those of you that I have. You've been kind of a lifeline to me while I tried to make it through this process. A couple of you seemed to think I was mad at you, and I'm sorry about that. I was never angry with any of you. It's just hard to think right now.


9:58 PM PT: I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come back because of computer issues, but I have things under control for now. I've fixed the software issue for now.

Thank you all for your interest. I'm okay. I'll let those who'd like to know what is going on soon.

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