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WASHINGTON, D.C.: Former presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (R-Financial Industry) announced today that he has discovered a more effective way to bring about change in America: by actually showing up to vote on the Senate floor.
McCain, 172, told reporters that he would be suspending his campaign for president as a result of his startling discovery. “Until this minute, my friends, I was not aware that many senators actually go to this room in the Capitol and – “ and here McCain turned to fellow senator and confidant Joe Lieberman (R-Joe Lieberman), who whispered in McCain’s ear – “I believe it is called ’vote’ on ’bills’ or something.”
McCain, ever the maverick, acknowledged that his new strategy marks a dramatic shift from his previous position on what some people call the “voting” aspect of senatorial responsibilities. Earlier this year, McCain celebrated when he was able to finally overtake Sen. Tim Johnson for the undisputed lead in the “Most Absent Senator” contest; up until that time, McCain had had to be content with the title of “Most Absent Senator Not Recovering From A Nearly Fatal Brain Hemorrhage” – an admittedly less prestigious honor.
“I wanted to go out on top,” McCain told reporters during his 29-second press conference. “From here on in, I’ll be focusing on what I am told is a whole range of issues, none of which I was able to vote on for five-and-a-half years in a North Vietnamese prison camp.” With that, the 29 seconds was up, and McCain was hustled out to have his photo taken, along with running mate Sarah Palin, next to a life-size cutout of Vladimir Putin.