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Dudes! Where does the time go? After eight short years, two stolen elections and our best job to turn the Constitution from a 'goddamned piece of paper' into a stinky, rotten, used piece of one-ply toilet tissue, we still somehow are obliged to leave office in a few weeks. Dude, that totally sucks!




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And for a while it was like, whoa! what can we do? This is way too much fun to walk away from in an orderly fashion. What can we do to hold onto the egregious, excess of privilege which comes with the job? It's like so much fun to have food tasters and escape bunkers and armored cars and live video streams of torture sessions down in Gitmo. We loves us some islamo-fascist blood-curdling screams. And we had a dozen crazy scenarios to pull off in order to declare a new, bigger, darker, better emergency and forgo the silly (and evil) election cycle and stay in power forever. Baawwaawwwaa! Or at least a few more years; there is still some booty down in the dregs of the treasury barrel we could get out with a bit more time and sleight-of-hand. Digging in the Arctic Circle or in the bowels of Fort Knox, it's all the same to us.

But, no, it's time to let someone else enjoy the wages of war and the fruits of quagmire. Endless war means profit without end and that is the legacy with which we're most proud. Remember a day without profit is a day wasted. You'll see. War is the only sustainable growth industry in the years ahead. Oil wars. Water wars. Food Wars. Migration wars. Wars of rebellion.

But most importantly, war is like a divine gardener. Pruning, trimming, cutting, pulling.

Because, let's face it, and since, as an American, you're one of us, you can handle the truth you need to know. And what you need to know is the Democrats have let way too many people live on the planet. We have more than six billion people on the planet. It's too many. A couple of billion eaters have to go. They shoot horses don't they? And what is a human being without the means to consume? Obviously not a consumer. They can't be part of our society. No, a person who lives but doesn't work, earn, consume and follow the rules of obligation - which is a quid pro quo policy: your inalienable and universal right to "life" versus you do what we say or you are against us which makes you a terrorist evil unworthy of life - is less than zero in a zero sum game.

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Luckily, for you, and this is directly attributable to Republican rule for most of the last hundred years - if you don't count the communist FDR or the adulterer JFK or the liar Bill or the socialist Obama - what Republican rule has meant is looting and strife. Dudes, this is the recipe for Middle Class opportunity. Your only responsibility is to go into debt, enjoy economic servitude and understand your duty as an American citizen is to support the right of the rich to be rich and the right of the poor to suffer in silence while you in the privileged Middle Class are allowed an American Dream where effort equals prosperity and all roads lead to The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

America has no class therefore there is no class war. The war is one-way against the rich. It's poor people who don't work and blame others for their poverty who are the problem. And, of course, liberals, who do not believe in the American Way established by our founders as a meritocracy, but believe in equal shares for everyone. The American pie split evenly in a million tiny slices. The founders said we are all created equal. But that does not mean we're all created with equal value. How silly. It means we all have ten fingers and toes. You think Joe the Plumber and Mozart contribute equally in value to civilization? No, most people are dead-weight in terms of contributing to society beyond their duty as consumers. Wasn't it God who said, "Know Thy Place"? America is part of western civilization and western civilization goes back a lot further than America so America has to conform to western civilization. For all the eternity western civilization has been around, a few always rise to the top while the mass of people serve those precious, chosen few in exchange for some bread and potatoes. It's the way it's always been. But now there are just too many of the many. The divide between the few and the many has grown so wide over the Republican-led years beyond anything in our wildest dreams. We couldn't be happier. But it does mean a little maintenance is in order.

The truth is, the human herd is too big, thanks to the free love, sexual revolution, let-it-be Democrats who believe in the population explosion because poor people are liberals. And liberals vote.  

But, if say, two billion people were to succumb to poverty, starvation, disease, pestilence, war and the barbaric ravages of a dog-eat-dog world where the poor are made to feed upon each other, it still means we have more than four billion people on the planet. Plenty of people to perpetrate the divine command to trade for profit.

And dudes, we can't be bothered most of the people on the extinction list are, uh, let's see, um, folks of non-European descent. That's racism. It doesn't matter the color of your skin but your ability to consume through pay to play, which is the sole arbiter of value in a market-driven society, which the creator bestowed upon mankind when HE said, "Be fruitful and multiply." It's not that 5/6ths of the planet is not of European descent but that many sixths are unable by virtue of their birthright of poverty to have a proper job to support a family and participate in an informed democracy dedicated to life and liberty.

Listen, it's not rocket science. America consists of about 5% of the world's population and consumes about 25% of the Earth's energy resources. So in order to make everyone equal, and not surrender the American lifestyle, which Americans have overworked so hard to achieve, lessee, wow, well, we'd need to recover, process and produce about four more earths worth of natural resources for a sustainable future.

We Republicans have worked tirelessly for more than a few generations to make everything we stand for be understandable to anyone with a fifth-grade education. Republicans are not rocket-scientists, but school teachers teaching basic principles and mathematical quotients.

And these numbers like all of our numbers aren't real numbers but numbers which paint a picture we want you to see and accept as gospel. The first thing we learn is 1+1 = 2, not 400. So if you are trying to add one and one and you don't come up with two, then you are not counting correctly. If 5% of the world's population uses up 25% of the earth's resources and we want all people to be like the lucky but deserving 5% then that adds up to a lot more than we have. Therefore we must whittle down the 95% until they add up to just enough to make it fair. That's all we have ever tried to provide: transparency and a level playing field. That's why we like no-bid contracts. Level playing field.

So, in closing dudes, as we leave office, each to go our own way into the sunset, we go in grace, dignity and comfort knowing the Bush/Cheney Administration will go down in history as the tipping point in the human saga when for the first time in 6,000 years of civilization, since god created Adam and then Eve as an afterthought, because he came up with the 'multiply' thing, Freedom was spread around the world like a cancer of locusts to bring happiness and prosperity to the whole human race, except those who embrace poverty and terrorism and comprise the over-production of humanity and will be laid off with prejudice, but without bigotry.

So, yeah, cool. While you can't see the happiness and prosperity yet, because of all the smoke and mirrors and dusty trails leading off into nowhere; after the culling is complete and the excess of humanity trimmed, and a rebirth of human civilization begins again under God, where people and markets are regulated equally for the benefit of all mankind, then you will see the vision of a New American Century. America will cooperate because we've beat the competition. We'll be a team player because we've leveled the playing field. America will stand again in the world as an indelible symbol of wisdom. It was America who saved the world from itself while the world just stood around and watched.

As we leave, entirely voluntarily, and frankly, we could have played a couple of our emergency scenarios just for shits and giggles, and hung around a while for spite and the sight of Blackboots with truncheons pummel the godless liberal hordes who'd take to the streets because they don't understand we're at war; but we agree it's going to be a whole lot more fun to watch President Obama juggle the pins of crises we have left up in the air for his administration.

Judging by everything we've seen so far, we think President Obama is going to do just fine.




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Originally posted to Michael Alton Gottlieb on Mon Dec 22, 2008 at 07:15 AM PST.

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