OK

The time: modern-day.

The location: a conference room in a conservative think-tank somewhere in the suburbs of Virginia.

“Darn that Obama.  We had a perfectly fine business-friendly, market-based approach to healthcare, all nicely contained in the private sector.  The private insurance mandate was perfect.  And then Obama wrecked it by passing it through congress and signing it into law!  How could he do that to us?  Why if anyone was going to shove a private insurance mandate down the throats of freedom-loving Americans, it should be us.  What does some Kenyan socialist know about insurance?!?!”

“Alright, quit your grousing.  We gotta come up with a new plan.  It's gotta be something that corporations can make lots of money from, and it's gotta not increase the size of the government.  Remember, we want to drown government in a bath-tub, except for the part of government that outlaws gays and birth control.  And it needs to have a new sexy name that easily fits in a sound-bite, and preferably includes the word healthcare in it.”

“You mean something like Fast and Furious Healthcare?”

“Yeah, that's a good name, but I think it's already being used by a TV show or something.”

“Well, what about the Don't Get Sick, and If You Do, Die Quickly plan?  Can we dust that one off and you know, give it a new logo or something?”

“Yeah, like maybe a person in a hospital bed in a red circle with a line through it”

“The trouble is, the Don't Get Sick, and If You Do, Die Quickly plan was never really our plan.  That was dreamed up by that crazy liberal Alan Greyson.  I mean, he had the right idea and everything, but it's from the other side.”

“Hey, what about the Let Him Die plan?  That went over really big at the debates.  People loved it.”

“And, it's got the Ron Paul stamp of approval on it.  The base will go for it in a big way.”

“The trouble is, none of our Corporate KeyMasters can make any money off a plan like Let Him Die.”

“How about if we assess a penalty on people who opt out and are still living?”

(All together) “It's not a penalty, it's a tax!”

“OK, what about the Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound plan?  It's a conservative plan, the base loves it, and corporations can make money from all the additional ultrasounds”

“That's good! And you know it will drive the liberals crazy. ”

“You might have something there.  And Romney never implemented it in Massachusetts, so there's no worry about campaign trail flip-flopping.  Boss, this could work!”

“C'mon guys.  Half the population doesn't even have vaginas.”

“But boss, that means a greater savings of healthcare resources if you only have to cover half the population.  The facts don't matter if it sounds right!”

“Look, if we have a Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound plan, the gays and trannies will demand to be included, and the next thing you know, you'll have a bunch of weirdos prancing in the streets on the evening news waving around rainbow-colored ultrasound transducers.  You want that outside of the Tampa Convention Hall?”

“OK, look: I'm just brain-stormig here.  Can we do a sort of a Get Off My Lawn plan?  Give every American a voucher for gun purchases, you know, as insurance.”

“Mandated firearms purchases for better healthcare!  That's perfect!!”

“We could maybe tie it in with the Stand Your Ground stuff we've been working on.  The gun industry will love us.”

“We could even get Clint Eastwood to do the ads for it; he's a conservative, he'll help.  Imagine how America will stand up and cheer for a healthy dose of that no-nonsense, gravelly-voiced, steely-eyed Clint Eastwood goodness.  Eastwood, guns, American pride, and healthcare in one PR campaign?  The liberals won't know what hit 'em.”

“Kinda makes Obamacare look like an Easy-Bake Oven in comparison, doesn't it?”

“I think we got something here we can work with.  Jonesy, you and Adams get yourselves a couple of interns and write this up.  I want a draft on my desk by Monday.  Smith, send out some feelers to Glock, Remington, and the others to see if we can get them on board.  Don't forget to ask for a donation; they owe us a couple.  Brownie, schedule a meeting with the Romney campaign: we need to get them up to speed on this as quickly as possible.  Don't forget we need a gift-basket to bring them, and make sure it includes the magic underwear they like so much.”

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