In 2002, Mitt Romney retroactively resigned from Bain Capital in 1999. Ten years later in 2012 the Democrats stole the Republican retroactive time machine and traveled back to 1993 to create the Batman villain “Bane,” to affect the 2012 election. It’s so obvious (to me). Bane = Bain. QED.

Then the Democrats said “Hellllllp me, Mister Wizard” and the wizard said, “Twizzle Twazzle Twozzle Twome, Time for this one to come home.”

Softserve wrote this diary (go recommend it): Rush Limbaugh: Batman movie has Bane in it, it must be a reference to Bain!.

You’d be surprised at what I discovered. I’ll explain under the orange ampersand of julius.

Please don’t hide-rate me for being a time-travel conspiracy theorist. I’m just asking some questions and posing some possible answers. Can’t a paranoid guy just ask a question or ten? How can we find the truth unless someone poses anonymous questions hidden behind a pseudonym on a political blog?

I’m ready to reveal the results of my research to the world. Rush is right. And I believe the other Batman movie villains secretly represent other people. Consider the following:

The Joker – obviously a smoker and a midnight toker who gets his lovin’ on the run. Some people call him Maurice because he speaks of the pompatus of love. The people who make dictionaries have conspired to cover up the meaning of the word “pompatus.” What are they hiding? I’m just sayin’.

Catwoman – represents the wife of William Shakespeare, Anne Hathaway. All experts agree that this fact is undeniable. If you don’t believe me, you can Google it. Because it’s your job to figure out WTF I’m talking about.

The Penguin –a reference to a guy in a tuxedo, but who? Fred Astaire, maybe? A guy who, by the way, did everything Ginger Rogers did, but facing forward and in regular shoes. A lot of people don’t know that Astaire was killed by Communist Nazi Ron Paul Democrat liberals. Muslims from Kenya, too. This is on the internet but I forgot to bookmark it. As soon as I find the link, I’ll update this diary. But it was very believable last night when I was drunk.

Two-Face – probably a politician. Could be almost any Republican. Or the Roman god Janus. Or my ex-wife, who was a Republican named Jennifer Anus (J. Anus). Coincidence, you say? I think not.

Poison Ivy – might represent Oprah Winfrey. Or the daughter of Eugene O’Neill who married Charlie Chaplin. Oona, Oprah. Oprah, Oona. (When I’m outlining a conspiracy, if two things start with the same letter they’re probably connected. Or sometimes I’m high on drugs (like my buddy Rush Limbaugh, whose mother named him after the rush she got from using drugs, then she committed suicide)).

The Riddler – I think this might be that guy on NPR who does the puzzler thing on Sundays and claims that he edits the NYTimes crossword. Will Shortz, whose idea of fun is to invent questions like this: “Remove one of the T’s, rearrange the letters, and you’ll have the name of an actress born in the 1920s who married Charlie Chaplin.”

The Scarecrow – could be either a reference to “Children of the Corn” or “The Wizard of Oz.” The scarecrow wanted a brain, so I’m guessing this could represent GW Bush. Question: Could it be that GW Bush (the Scarecrow) ordered the assassination of Bruce Lee’s son Brandon (The Crow)?  Hey, I’m just asking questions. If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to prove that I’m wrong. If you can’t find evidence that I’m right, that just proves that it’s a big conspiracy to cover up the facts in my fevered brain.

Mr. Freeze – obviously represents the ex-governor of California (listen to that accent!). Not Ronald Reagan. That other guy, from Austria. Or Australia. I get those two mixed up. You know, that country that’s next to Switzerland. Or Sweden.

I might not be available to respond to responses to this diary because I think the FDA and Homeland Security and my grocery store discount card are tapping my email and installing viruses in my wristwatch and barcodes in my urine. My genetically-modified ears of corn are listening to everything I say. And my mercury thermometer is beaming vaccines at me. Thank the flying spaghetti monster the aluminum foil is protecting me.

(and, for anyone who needs a reminder – SNARK!)

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