Anno Domani MMXVII, and the ii year of the ii term of the Romney-Ryan Administration has begun. While many Catholic Bishops opposed the Ryan budget, ironically, it proved to be a boon to Catholic charities after non-defense discretionary spending was "prematurely frozen" (no, that sounds like something that might destroy an embryo); "capped early" (shucks, that sounds like a barrier method); "limited to" (that's more like it) iii et iii/iv% with s-chip reduced to i %, and the poor and indigent have no place else to turn for their charity care. Struggling to meet this demand, the catholic charities hiring boom of MMXIV along the I-XXXV Corridor, in the wake of the sudden surprising explosion of the entire Transcanada pipeline, makes the church the country's leading employer, and the ensuing increase in birthrate suddenly makes Medicare and Social Security sustainable,ironically, right before the XXVIII constitutional amendment eradicating Social Security and Medicare passes the XXXVIIIth Ron Paul-controlled state legislature...
Despite initial fears that the ban on contraception (initiated by Congress after Supreme Court Justice Estrada's landmark majority opinion in Roeder/Shannon/et. al vs. Planned Parenthood overturns Griswold vs. Connecticut following the reasoning set forth in an amicus brief from Surgeon General Rand Paul) would lead to an uptick in abortion services in Mexico and Canada, DHS Secretary Herman Cain's electrified fence contains special technology that detects females who approach, initiates a transvaginal probe, and automatically deploys the crisis squad of multi-denominational prayer warriors embedded within the US Marines, now a jointly owned subsidiary of Xe LLC, Koch Industries, and Amway.
Incidentally, military recruitment takes off under the new multi-level marketing platform, as more and more Americans take the search for secret smuggling tunnels into their own hands, synergistically powering the tenement houses of the new children by means of an ambitious fracking project. Illegals who are discovered by these Fracking Minutemen are then sent to FEMA camps--and granted full citizenship rights after completing their service in a two-year mission or recruiting fifteen more frackers, who in turn recruit fifteen more frackers, who in turn recruit fifteen more frackers, and pretty soon, why, you've got an awful lot of frackers--which Truth Commission Czar Orly Taitz established retroactive to 1994.
All is not well, however, in Ryan's America. While the mass of child workers initially prove helpful for rebuilding the pipeline from the inside, due to the obesity problem caused by the new McMonsanto Charter Schools, several of them are getting stuck, which caused the explosion in the first place. It was kind of like Augustus Gloop.
In our next installment: what will the new NASA heaven probe be able to tell us about the end-times? Will the Bureau of Indian Affairs and National Science Foundation finally discover the genetic link between Native Americans and our Israeli allies? With whom will Justice Scalia decide in Barton v. Founding Fathers?
We are living in exciting times, my friends. Exciting times indeed.