pen on paper: 'Dear diary'
Hello, human diary. It is I, Mitt Romney, your better.

Much has happened. The staff is currently locked in heated discussion as to whether or not to announce that I am suffering from a terrible episode of laryngitis, thus rendering me unable to speak until perhaps after the election. Eric F. feels this is too extreme, and perhaps we should say I have merely been drunk for the past few months, but am fine now. After an hour or so of this I fled the room, telling the staff to get back to me with their recommendations when they have some. That was some time ago, so there still seems to be no resolution.

I am not sure what precisely the current issue is, but it seems to revolve around one of my many meetings with fellow wealth units. I was explaining the difficulties of promoting my policies vis-a-vis lowering taxes on wealthy Americans, and happened to mention that most commoners were lazy slackabouts who hardly earned any money at all, and who were therefore ignorant of the plight of the wealthy. I do not believe any of this is new information.

Suddenly, however, the press is very interested in my theories as to the inherent laziness of the poor. I am not sure why, but is this not a good thing? We have continually labored to explain these things to the press, and now that the press has finally taken interest in them, now my advisers are expressing concern? Should we not be taking this opportunity to further highlight my messages as to how our nation oppresses its most wealthy, and coddles the poor? I will never understand campaign politics, that is for certain.

There is much more to write about, but for now I should probably check on my staff. Things have gotten quieter now, which either means that they are nearing a satisfactory conclusion or, possibly, that Eric F. has once again beaten recalcitrant staff members with a chair. That fellow tries my patience at times—I am not made of chairs, Eric. Those things cost money.

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