Since Election Night, the Romney's Olympic mare, Rafalca, has been performing the saddest horse ballet anyone has ever seen.

Every morning Wolf Blitzer stands in front of a mirror for thirty minutes to practice being innocuous.

FUN FACT: The Fiscal Cliff has become America's No. 1 tourist attraction!

How about instead of buying guns and ammunition (again), you buy a fucking book and read it.

Taking jokes seriously is the exact mirror activity of laughing if someone says they have cancer.

Apple got bored of Samsung and is suing Amazon over their use of the word "AppStore." I'm seriously afraid to eat an apple now.

High School - Cool to be stupid.
College - Cool to be drunk.
Grad School - Cool to be poor.
Adulthood - Cool to give up hopes and dreams.

Someday, if I'm lucky, I'm going to be released in select theaters.

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