When I signed up for today's WYFP, I knew I was screwed. Nothing I was going to write was going to make a damn bit of difference to anyone because everyone would be overwhelmingly f***g happy like a bunch of post-sex glow monkeys. Writing an article about anything bothering me enough to be an FP would solidify my place as a cranky old man and I'm only fifty-four. You punks who just snickered because you think anyone older than your parents is old, old, old...well, I pay less for car insurance.
But I am irritated about something, this glorious first Saturday after the election.
I'm irritated that Ohio was called too soon.
Oh, I'm not irritated like Karl Rove. On the other hand, Rove wasn't irritated. He was blown away by the fact that he wouldn't see Ohio go read. His political testosterone had him in such a vise grip that he couldn't even imagine Ohio going blue, let alone see the signs of reality. I'm sure his thinking seized-up the same way it did the day he realized that someone as rich, famous, powerful and influential as he would never see Megan Kelly naked.
I'm irritated that Ohio was called blue withing minutes of Nevada being called blue. My scoreboard showed 263 electoral votes. I was waiting for...hoping for...Colorado.
Let me say here and now that God love you folks in Ohio, Virginia, Florida and North Carolina. I'm sorry you couldn't pull out North Carolina this time. Please accept my deepest, and sincerest, congratulations and compliments for your efforts. And you folks in those other states? Geez but everybody turned into squirming, sweating, drooling meth addicts whenever they talked about you on the tv or online. You guys in Ohio must have wanted to take your claw hammers to your televisions, radios and monitor screens, what with all the advertising.
Nevertheless, I had my 263 locked up. All of New England called. The Mid-Atlantic states called. The Far West, including Hawaii, a sure thing. Border states Maryland and Delaware...check. And what I think of as the Erie Canal Mid-west: Minnesota, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and, yes, Iowa had been called blue. New Mexico...ah, man, high five for living in such a beautiful blue state.
All I needed was Colorado and my number was 272. A win for the country, a win for the President and a win for me on Facebook, where I could look like a g*dd**n sage as I predicted that Ohio, Virginia, Florida and North Carolina wouldn't make a difference. Millions and millions of dollars, millions and millions of words later and the President was going to win without them. The landslide, and it is a landslide, caused by winning three out of the four (ah, the whistful breath of what if? had North Carolina come through) gives me joy like going for seconds, thirds and more when I was young. You young punks snickering at that can just take a hike.
What I wanted, what I really, really, really wanted, was to see all the television people have to call the election for Obama without being able to call Ohio, Virginia and Florida. I'd reached acceptance on a red North Carolina. I just wanted to see the television people going Oh-my-God it's close (sound of old-style alarm clock going off), Oh My God It's Close! (sound of old-style fire alarm clanging) OMG! OMG! OMG! (sound of cymbals being hit repeatedly by a claw hammer)...
...and then someone calling New Hampshire, Iowa, Nevada and Colorado for the President and then having to say, "Uh, I guess that means he wins."
It's terrific that the Big Production won the award. Kudos for the Big Guys. Truly fantastic. Aces.
I just had high hopes for the small, character-and-plot-driven drama.