Lunchtime in the WarrenS kitchen. Daughter (7 3/4, homeschooled, eccentric) and I are eating tortellini. She is deep in her book.
Phone: ringy ringy ringy.I pick up the receiver.
And that, friends, was today's lunch in our little kitchen here in Medford, Massachusetts. How was your afternoon?Unctuous Baritone w/artificial reverb: As a member of the emerging conservative majority, you're in the front lines of defense against the Obama agenda for the next four years. He's going to crash our nation's economy, take away our guns, and make it legal for the UN to tax American citizens. And...he might not even be an American citizen — nobody has ever seen an actual hard copy of his birth certificate! Our only solution is to move forward with impeachment right away! Press 1 to contribute to the drive to impeach President Obama!Call-waiting music, sounding like the soundtrack for a vaguely patriotic soft-porn flick.
Bored Female Voice: Hello and thank you for your support of the movement to impeach President Obama. May I process your contribution?
WarrenS: Well, sure, I'm happy to help — but on what charges?
B.F.V.: It's impeachment.
WarrenS: But you can't just "impeach" — you have to impeach with a particular charge. What are the grounds for impeachment? I need to know this because otherwise my (whiny vocal tone) liberal friends on Facebook will make fun of me.
B.F.V.: Well, Benghazi. He waited two weeks to respond.
WarrenS: Sorry, but that won't work. I actually saw the statement in the Rose Garden the day after the attack, and I know he called it an "act of terror." So I can't support impeachment on those grounds because (whiny vocal tone) my liberal friends on Facebook will make fun of me.
B.F.V.: Well, what about all of Obama's executive orders? He's signed over nine hundred executive orders! It's an abuse of power! We must impeach!
WarrenS: Let me check those numbers. I remember reading something about this on Snopes, (whiny vocal tone) and I don't want my liberal friends on Facebook to mock me. They mock me all the time and it really hurts my feelings.
Hang on...let me check snopes.com...
Oh, okay...yes, that's FALSE. I'm afraid I can't support the impeachment on those grounds because it's not true, (whiny vocal tone) and my liberal friends on Facebook will hurt my feelings by making fun of me.
B.F.V.: Well, there's no doubt that he's taking away our freedoms!
WarrenS: Oh, absolutely. I feel less free every day. (whiny vocal tone) I really think there needs to be a law against making fun of conservatives, don't you?
B.F.V.: Well, I can't comment on that, sir. That's a matter of opinion.
WarrenS: (whiny vocal tone) But those liberals are mean to me! They make fun of my opinions and it hurts my feelings! I want to see them locked up, don't you?
B.F.V.: (Realizes she's being spoofed, hangs up.)WarrenS: (Breaks into hysterical laughter)
Daughter: What's the joke?
WarrenS: That was a conservative group that thinks President Obama is a bad man, and they want to do something about it. And they don't know that I'm a liberal, so it's very funny to talk to them and see how long I can make them think I agree with them.
Daughter: They must be very stupid.
WarrenS: Oh, yes, indeed, sweetheart. (kiss)