When Barack Obama was reelected on November 6th, many a wealthy Republican was left trembling in fear at the looming thunderhead of an impending 3% top-bracket income tax increase.  All across the country, dog pedicurists were rescheduling appointments from once per week to once every other week, Bentley dealerships saw a marked increase in whining from their customers even though business didn't go down at all, and Mitt Romney's accountant's lawyer's personal trainer decided to forgo the extended warranty on his Ferrari.  Yes, it was a grim scene.  But fear not, rich Republicans, for I have come to rescue you from having to pay this tax!  Since many of you consider higher taxes to be a disincentive to earn additional money, I will relieve you of that burden: All you have to do is give ME your money, and I will voluntarily subject myself to the burdens and hardships of paying those higher tax rates.

Yes, I know, I'm just like Jesus - I will sacrifice myself for your tax burden.  Deliver your woeful earnings unto me, and I shall take unto myself the pain of rendering unto Caesar what your conscience as conservatives prevents you from paying.  Crucify me on a cross of yachts and Bugattis for your sins; hammer nails made of gourmet cuisine and thousand-dollar wine into my hands and feet; drive a spear into my side in the form of college cheerleaders two at a time.  I will take on your burdens and bravely face the horrors of taxation in your place.

And what do I ask in return?  Why, merely the grace of doing you this service.  Every dollar upon which you would be asked to pay a tax rate you consider outrageous and disincentivizing, just give it to me and I will pay these troublesome taxes for you.  I will face down the beast that is Big Gubmint, so that you don't have to compromise your principles as conservatives.  Spread the Good News to all your fellow Supply-Side Jesus disciples, that The One has come to Save you from your tax burdens.  Giveth unto Me your taxable marginal income, and I shall redeem the burden myself rather than have you suffer the torments of ordinary citizenship.

You bunch of bullshitters, you.

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