We're all winners tonight, no matter what. Everyone gets a wealth of quietly bitter loathing for the person who does win the lottery.

I wouldn't mind golden parachutes for execs so much if the rest of us weren't standing around holding lead balloons.

Now that I'm employed once again I've realized that being unemployed & poor is much better than being poor & working 40 hours a week.

Don't worry if your world seems bleak and hopeless now, it'll get much worse when you're rattling around a poorly funded nursing home alone.

Garry Oldman could be anywhere around you at anytime. Act accordingly.

Camels figured out how to store water in a tumor. They're the Martha Stewart of the animal kingdom.

I'd find it much easier to go to work if I could slide right down into my car from a firepole.

I have finally reached the age where I no longer care to be informed as to the degree to which anything is "for shizzle."

Who would have thought the half man was even crazier than Charlie Sheen?

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