Like many liberals, I thought the Republican Party was a decaying husk of aged, entitled, ignorant Southern white male privilege. But the GOP wants you to know that just because that's been the case since 1964 doesn't mean that will always be the case. They're rolling out a fresh, hip, snazzy, (insert media bullshit term) new image to appeal to the new proactive paradigm for changing demographics. Here are their top 5 ideas showing how the GOP is courting people who have traditionally (and accurately) seen it as a cabal of C.H.U.D. lepers.
5. Urban watermelon production tax credit.
The GOP is eager to show how they're not the Party of racist buffoons their every word and deed suggests they are, so a Republican initiative has been launched to sponsor urban watermelon gardens in black communities via tax credits. Republican leader Reince Priebus championed the initiative as a "trifecta of fly shiznit, as the black youth say," that would "get blacks kids off the street and working in the fields like their ancestors so they learn the value of hard work," as well as "providing the appropriate nutrition source for those people instead of eating food designed for whites." The GOP is calling their initiative "Melons for Felons," although leaders were puzzled when asked why they were calling it that, and treated reporters to an Al Jolson film festival as part of the announcement.
4. Specially-painted ambulances with La Cucaracha horns for Latino communities.
"It isn't that folks in the brown community don't have access to healthcare," said Republican Minority Outreach Director David Duke. "It's that healthcare isn't delivered in a form they can understand. So we're launching a program where in areas with lots of illegals, instead of the normal white ambulances with the traditional sirens, which just confuse them, emergency transportation will be provided by tricked-out '70s and '80s cars with colorful paintjobs and a culture-appropriate siren, such as "La Cucaracha" or some other feisty Latin tune. Of course, users will be charged more for the service, but that will just teach them the value of a dollar, which they need to understand is very different from the value of a peso."
3. Opening cattle feed lots to the homeless between 11 am and 2 pm on Tuesdays.
Republicans want America to know that they are not insensitive to the plight of poor Americans, so the GOP has begun spearheading a humanitarian initiative called Nums for Bums where cattle ranch operators receive a tax credit worth $2 per nickel of lost income to allow homeless people to eat from their feed lots for three hours per week. Additional revenues can be generated for the ranch owners by charging local frat boys for the chance to pelt the hungry with clods of mud or cow dung as they eat. "It's a win-win for everyone," said billionaire US Chamber of Commerce Director Winston Eagleston Cambridge Haverfordshireton III.
2. Targeted job training for gays and lesbians.
Republicans stung by the charge that they are hostile to gays and lesbians have responded by offering targeted education and job training programs beginning in the public school system. "This initiative will speak to the unique strengths, tastes, and habits of these perverts," said Senator James Inhofe (R - Spanish Inquisition). In particular, male high school students identified as gay or "loafer-lightened" will be fed into an educational track emphasizing hairdressing, interior decorating, fashion criticism, and Republican politics, while female students identified as lesbian or having a suspicious affinity for disheveled haircuts will be tracked to PE instruction, skilled manual labor, stand-up comedy, and marriage to closeted Republican politicians. But lest people think they've gone soft on their deficit-hawk credentials, Republicans insist the new program will be paid for with increased taxes on disco-related paraphernalia and plaid women's clothing.
1. Republicans will consider 1-year moratorium on plan to use military force to occupy uteruses.
In a remarkable outreach to the pro-choice community, top Republicans announced today a willingness to enact a 1-year moratorium on plans to deploy Special Forces to seize and occupy the uterus of every single woman in America. "We realize that our normal approach may have seemed, oh, a tad on the heavy-handed side," said House Speaker John Boehner (R - Mars). "But we realize that women had started to see the Republican Party as being a little out of touch with them, so we've decided to show our good faith by agreeing to not send armed guards into their internal organs. At least for a year, until they see how stupid they are and start doing what we say. But we will be having a voluntary program, where conservative doctors can voluntarily kidnap and impregnate women they think are ripe for birthing. These sorts of decisions are best left up to professionals. And pastors, of course."