OK

Allen West official photo
Conspiracy theories = Republicanism!
 
We really ought to get right on that whole "ignoring soon-to-be-former-congressman and washed-up nutcase Allen West" thing that we had been looking forward to for so long. I had already had sketched out an elaborate plan for what I was going to do with all that free time. I was going to (1) ignore Allen West, and (2) do something else instead (note: "elaborate" may be overstating things a bit, but I assure you the plan was sketched out on a high-quality piece of paper, the kind where you can see a definite texture to it, not just copy paper).

But he keeps pulling me back in. He's just such a perfect representation of modern ultra-conservative Republicanism, all wrapped up in one little package of self-importance and paranoia and spite:

[Crackpot radio conservative Mark Levin]: You are a national treasure. [Note: This is the actual transcript, we're not making this crap up. "National treasure," the guy says.] You are way too important to have something like this to happen and off you go. That can’t happen. [Note: Merely losing an election is not enough to be rid of even the dullest, stupidest conservatives, because they have a goddamn quota or something, I don't know.] So I’m really curious to know. Do you have further public service in mind, potentially? [Note: Because this is radio, we have no idea if Levin is at this point in the conversation giving West an actual backrub, but it seems likely.]

[West]: The most important thing everyone has to understand is my voice is not going to be lost. We’ve gotten a lot of opportunities, a lot of offers, and we’re going to make sure we continue to have that platform. [...] I’m a warrior and I’m a statesman and I’m a servant of this republic. I’m not going away just because of a congressional race where he seems to have to cheat to beat me.

We've now gotten to the stage where if conservatism loses, it must simply be a plot. Forget even the nonsense of having to "redefine the message" or "explain this crap again, only this time in terms that sound marginally less sociopathic"—nope, it's because of cheating. Cheating by nonexistent groups like ACORN, or cheating by all those damn poor people who still insist on voting no matter how much we try to let them know it really isn't necessary these days, what with robots and all, or via other unspecified something-something-somethings that conspire to deprive fine upstanding tea party types from their rightful place as the heirs of true Amerikah. But worry not, because Allen West is not going to let his "voice" be lost, and we can rest assured it won't be. Not in a movement that values batshit crazy above all else.

Surely, Fox News could use a few more analysts of dubious skills and credentials?

Speaking of batshit crazy, you know who we haven't heard from in a while? Michele Bachmann. She seemed to be going to great lengths to avoid saying things in these last few months, but it's about time for her to come up with a new conspiracy theory. C'mon, Bachmann, you once were such an obvious conservative leader that you ran for president; surely, now that you are safely re-ensconced in your congressional seat, you can out-crackpot all these other tea party losers? Let's hold a hearing into, I don't know, whether or not bees secretly sing communist slogans when people aren't around. I promise you, your base will eat that stuff up.

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