I keep trying, but I'm still on the boat.

I have pretty much everything in here packed up and sorted. I have the storage emptied and closed. I still feel like I have so much to do.  Pick up a lock. Put the hasp on the door. Fold and cover up the bed. Move the last sails in here from a friends storage room. Take out the trash. Load the car with the cat and stuff going with.

It seems like it should be so easy.  In other times it would be easy, like throwing together for an event - get it done, hit the road - party time!  

But not now.  Every rock and creak reminds me of the silent stillness of earth.  Folding up and covering the bed means I can't stay here comfortably anymore and really have to leave. Getting the sails in means there won't be room to be safe, to hold fast, to sail on through the storms and keep floating.

I have to maneuver my land yacht through mountains and snow and hail and rain.  I have to remember how to do this from years ago - when I was a different class, a different person - one who still had dreams that were more in line with everyone else.  I am not sure if I am really ready to go back on land.

Everything is so LOUD.  Cars and tires and engines and trolleys and cell phone chatter and bikes and too much movement and distraction.  The noise bleeds inside everything - the walls, the doors - the rooms are awash with it even when "quiet."  Everyone and everything is on a breakneck pace - racing toward nothing.  

I don't understand how people live like this.  I don't understand how I lived like that.  I'm having a really hard time heading back into it.  I have my excuses - shitty weather, passes are bad, I need confirmation of where I'm staying in Portland tonight if I get that far - (arranged, just waiting literally to hear the all clear - I don't want to show up and be unexpected) hard to shove the sails in the car to move them - excuses.  

Because I'm afraid to leave my home.

I went out for a bit and got the lock, the wiper fixed, the car gassed up, some dinner.  I have arranged help to move the sails in the morning and that will fill the place up - and we will have to go.

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