TownHall.com conservative columnist Katie Kieffer is a fucking funny comedian.

Come see what she hopes for us, and return your well-wishes in the comments, if you'd like...

I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but what the heck...

Here are twelve comical but true resolutions that every liberal should make for 2013:

1.) Resolve to spend time with gun-owners. I have a liberal friend who says she would rather be in the same room as a cobra snake than a gun, even an unloaded gun. Guns really, really scare her. But guns don’t kill. People kill. Whether the tool is a gun or a knife or a baseball bat, unconscionable people kill, not the inanimate objects in their hands.

Banning all tools and machinery will not turn bad people into good people. Doing so would make us more vulnerable to attack and throw us back into the Stone Age. We need guns for self-defense; we need knives for cutting; we need bats to play baseball.

[... more bullshit ...]

I think liberals will realize that guns are tools of self-defense and that banning guns will not eliminate murder when they get comfortable around guns and the people who legally possess them.

While you're holding your breath waiting, you should attend some funerals of those whose lives have been taken by Rambo psychotics running around with military grade hardware. Or read the endless amounts of data that disprove every fucking talking point you dutifully regurgitate, all of which I am too exasperated to collect and provide in this diary, again, for the 10,000th time.
2.) Resolve to stop watching Rachel Maddow. Her negative attitude is ruining your day and you do not even realize it. At a minimum, admit that her show is rooted in hyperbole and not real news.
Yeah, we should watch O'Reilly, Hannity, or listen to Beck fart. Maybe Coulter and Malkin, too, for some female perspective on how much you hate fucking everybody that isn't white, male, or rich.
3.) Resolve to eat a real hamburger. Just one. If you prefer, choose a burger from free-range cattle. I guarantee it won’t kill you; it will leave you feeling full for once.
I eat them too often as it is, what are you trying to do, kill me with cholesterol? I do see that you've had one too many yourself, the bullshit is starting to seep out of all the wrong places.
4.) Resolve to admit that the TSA scanners are carcinogenic. You attend to your body with bike helmets, yoga and organic produce. And then you negate your efforts by walking through the TSA scanners. Admit it: scanners are not keeping you safe and they are a hazard to your health.
Whatever. You're the geniuses who started all kinds of wars that provoked the terrorist acts we now need scanners to protect ourselves against.

 Mission Accomplished, my ass [xrayed on a scanner].

5.) Resolve to buy property. I don’t care if all you can afford is a plot the size of a doghouse. Buy some land and hold it. Experience ownership first-hand and you will finally get upset when the federal government tries to violate your Fourth Amendment rights through the use of domestic drones.
lol. Many of us gave up our communes years ago, and not everyone is camped out in a park. I know alot of people who own property. I also know people who would probably jump at the chance to buy land, had the policies of failure implemented by your party over the years not made it impossible for them to do so.

Also, news flash: I'm not exactly looking for a pet drone either, at the moment.

6.) Resolve to travel to Europe. You’ll realize that public transportation is not all it’s cracked up to be. When you return home, you will have a new appreciation for wide, open spaces and the freedom to drive cars bigger than a Power Wheels Barbie Jammin’ Jeep Wrangler.
Wide open spaces will soon become wastelands after your gas-guzzling luxury sports cars finish shitting out enough smoke. The Thunderdome awaits you. I hope you stockpiled enough gas.
7.) (For liberal ladies) Resolve to let a guy open a door for you. Accepting this small act of chivalry is actually empowering—not demeaning—because it shows that you appreciate respect from males.
Ladies, have at it in the comments. Be sure to reference item #7 for ease of identification!
8.) (For liberal guys) Resolve to be a man. Enough said.
I got my man card, and it ain't a gun, fuck you very much.
9.) Resolve to protest a stupid rule. Men are imperfect and therefore human laws are not inherently good; the United States has many laws on the books that violate natural law. Only God can make perfect rules. So, before you blindly follow a federal law, ask yourself: “Will I be doing the right thing by following this rule?” If your answer is “no,” protest the rule because it is probably immoral.
mkay. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about here. Are you suggesting that we break laws? Maybe we should start a revolution or something too, while we're at it. A little treason for extra flavor. You guys got all the guns, you go first.
10.) Resolve to save endangered babies. Stop fretting about endangered animals in a rainforest thousands of miles away and realize that babies are endangered in your own back yard. Stop supporting federal funds for Planned Parenthood; encourage your friends to respect life.
You know what? I care alot more about living creatures, who have as much right to live on this planet as your sorry ass does, maybe more, than I care about somebody else's unborn fetus. Sorry. Why don't you encourage your friends to respect life after that fetus is born? It'd be a nice change.
11.) Resolve to tell President Obama to bring the troops home. If you hate war so much, why don’t you pressure Obama to pull the troops out of the Middle East?
O RLY? You don't get out much, do ya?
12.) Resolve to read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. Jobs is your hero; you love Apple products; and you wouldn’t think of attending an Occupy Wall Street Protest without your iPad. But Jobs was a capitalist. [...]
Android, FTW!
Happy 2013 to liberals one and all!
Oh, it will be, I guarantee you.


1:38 PM PT: Noddy, following-up on a great comment below, has posted a rebuttal diary here.

2:44 PM PT: And another from RichM, is here.


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