Why does no one ever claim to be haunted by an australopithecus?

What part of an object being "unidentified" and "flying" implies that it's an alien spacecraft?  

Have you heard any reports about unidentified rolling objects that you would ascribe to extraterrestrials, or is it just air travel that blows your mind?

Why do religious people wear seatbelts?

Why does no one ever claim to have been reincarnated from a boring asshole?

Where does the human soul go under anesthesia?

Why are there no prophecies about the end of any other world?

Why have spacefaring extraterrestrials failed to progress beyond 20th century colonoscopy technology?

Pretty fortunate coincidence that the One True Faith is the one you were born into, huh?

Might there be a lesson in the fact that the NRA is strongest in rural areas where people have the least contact with each other?

What part of the "carbon dioxide traps heat" middle-school science lesson is making your brain hurt?

What part of the fact that living things change over time do you find scawwy?

When your "gut" tells you to vote Republican, are you sure it's not a tapeworm?

How many raw turkeys would you say you swallow down your gullet during an average half-hour of Fox News viewing?

Did you know there are some college faculty not referred to as "coach"?

Why do you pay to see Michael Bay movies?  You're only encouraging him.

How come nobody ever puts up anatomically correct Nativity scenes depicting the exact moment of birth?  

Could we find a slightly less cynical place to illegally print "In God We Trust" than on our money?

Which well-regulated militia does the guy with the candlelit Tim McVeigh shrine in his basement and Fox News perma-fucked onto his retinas belong to?

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