1897 - Moss was found growing on 14 majority senators and 17 minority members, who had not moved from their senate chamber seats for 22 consecutive days.

1999 - A new form of mushroom was discovered on the senate floor. This mutant and extremely delicate fungus can only be grown where there is plenty of hot air, but almost no air movement. In the presence of too many moving bodies, the spores simply cannot take hold. It has been named the Ascocarp Senatorus Inertius, a wholly unsatisfying and smelly fungus whose aroma reminds one of the evil wafts coming from unhygienic and filthy sausage making.

2013 - With numerous efforts going forward, starting in November of 2012, to amend the senate rules and to change the filibuster requirements, the senate was shocked to find itself awake, aware, and reactive. The scary sensation of so many individuals being awakened in the same chamber, at the same time, ON THE SAME ISSUE, caused 4 cases of cardiac arrest, 6 cases of PTSD and 27 cases of people going back to sleep.

There will be no serious effort at filly-buster reform. There are several reasons for this, but the top reasons are listed below. Only one of the reasons is any good.

a. The senate is used to moving slower than a desiccated snail in the middle of the Sahara.  Part of it is due to this being a proud tradition, holding themselves out as  more mature, better, and sane public officials, especially compared to the unruly, childish behavior normally present in the US House. Mostly, though, it is because they get paid the same whether they work or not. They figure, "Why bother? I still get all the bennies."

b. The senate prefers to mull over an issue, afraid that moving quickly or debating loudly might wake up their more elderly, doddering, semi-deaf members. One senator once claimed that the longer the debate, the better their eventual product will be. For example, today's debates will include whether the National Sheep Hair Reserve should be maintained*. Another discussion, if they have time, may touch on New Mexico's petition to joint the Union.

* The fledgeling US Army Air Corpse realized that the new-fangled  biplanes and triplanes caused a rough ride. To secure a permanent supply of softer, more delicate seating arrangements, and to protect the delicate rumps of their pilots, a national sheep hair reserve was created. To no one's surprise, a brother, two cousins, and two uncles who applied to create the reserve, had family serving in the 1915 Senate.

c. Change for change's sake could backfire. At some point, one of two things will happen. The TeaBuggered morons infecting both houses of Congress will leave office - either die out of embarrassment, or be elected out of office. The other alternative is far scarier: the overuse of farm animal antibiotics, GM modified grain, and new versions of pesticides cause such widespread incidence of serious brain damage in Americans, that the TeaBuggered party takes over the majority of both houses. That would mean that the amended filibuster rules would benefit the crazies, allowing truly insane legislation to pass without any senate safeguards.

d. If the filibuster rules are changed, the honorable members of the senate can no longer anticipate and rely on the fact that nothing much will ever happen, much less happen quickly. This will force them to actually read the bills before them, since votes may actually be binding. This will also force them to consider the real impact of a bill, something that happens once or twice per year at the current rate. Lastly, the Senate staffs will no longer be able to spend all of their time organizing campaign fund raising meetings or Wake and Shake photo ops pretending that they actually do real work in the Senate.

One unexpected side-effect will be the need for plastic surgeons. Given that most senators cannot read without moving their lips, severe cases of lip strains and sprains will affect members of the upper house. Without radical medical treatment, some of these senators might be rendered temporarily mute.

Originally posted to Church of Ineffable Stupidity on Mon Jan 07, 2013 at 10:53 AM PST.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.


Will senators change their rules from the 19th century to the 20th?

27%13 votes
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18%9 votes
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