I bet I could accomplish a lot more with my life if Burgess Meredith were yelling at me.

It's basically impossible to find a picture of me you could describe as "smoldering."

I can't be the only one who's pretty happy now that he couldn't afford a tribal arm tattoo back in the 90s.

When people piss me off, I tell them they're on "THE List". Truth is I have no list. I just figure people are naturally afraid of lists.

Candles are a really romantic way to burn down the house when you fall asleep after sex.

When she asked me to go to relationship counseling, I shouted, " I do not negotiate with terrorists!"

The fact that no prominent doctor ever thought to come out with a report that sex is good for headaches shows you how dumb men really are.

Dogs and men always look guilty of something. This explains the friendship.

Any obstacle can be overcome through positive thinking and blowjobs.

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