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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…

Late Night Snark: Fox & Friends Edition

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker."
---Bill Maher

Cat at White House press secretary's lectern.
"Damn you, internet and your insatiable love of
cats! If the presidential election was held online,
this would be our Commander-in-Chief."
---Jon Stewart, on the voting process
to select the new Monopoly piece
"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama."
---David Letterman
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"Today President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game---or as those researchers put it, 'Man, high school never ends, does it?'”
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Remember the expression, 'Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck?' Well, what are they supposed to do in Canada now? Without the penny, everyone in Canada is now doomed to a luck-free life of clean air, civilized social discourse, and free health insurance."
---Craig Ferguson
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"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s historic 'I have a dream' speech, as well as the one-year anniversary of my girlfriend's 'I had the weirdest dream' speech. Guess which one was longer?"
---Seth Meyers
And two years ago:
"2012 is just around the corner, and pundits are falling over themselves to handicap the race. Will the GOP choose Mitt Romney...Sarah Palin...or just a gun with a flag pin?"
---Stephen Colbert
Fearless prediction: tomorrow morning when I wake up and look out the window my first words will be "Mother of god!" Stay safe, northeasterners.

Meanwhile, your tropical west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 8, 2013

Note: Our heart goes out to Kossack Commonmass tonight on the passing today of his husband, and C&J splasher, GreenMountainBoy02.  We gave him his official C&J welcome in July (oh, how I wish he'd gotten a chance to drive the Lexus), and his response let us know he was going to fit right in:

I know its bad manners, but I prefer to eat the paste with my fingers! (yummy) quite the delicacy.  Can't wait to do my double back flip with a half pike twist dive into the pool! and as far as the liquor cabinet goes... I'll sip my martinis on the beanbag chair in the rumpus room!
He was a rascal---a funny, intelligent, spontaneous and spiritual rascal with a heart of gold.  Tonight's C&J is dedicated to the memory of GMB02.  The paste and martinis are on the house.  Hoist them high.  Farewell, friend.

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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Easter: 51
Days 'til the Austin Specialty Beer Festival: 15
Percent of folks in Northern Maine who say they own a gun: 43%
Percent of folks in Southern Maine who say they own a gun: 49%
(Source: Maine Sunday Telegram poll)
Estimated number of roses we import from Colombia and Ecuador for St. Valentine's Day: 184,830,000
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of people who tuned in to watch the Super Bowl last Sunday, down 3% from 2012: 108.4 million
Weight of a Grammy, a Golden Globe and an Oscar, in pounds: 5 / 5.5 / 8.5
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Well, this oughtta haunt my dreams for a few sleep cycles…

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JEERS to the BIG ONE.  You know how, when it's raining really hard out, some smartass always says "Imagine of this was snow!"  Well, no imagination is necessary tonight as the Great Blizzard of Aught Thirteen---aka Winter Storm Nemo Bill in Portland Maine---pounds its way into the history books.  How unprecedented is this monster?  Let me put it this way: the last time we had one this severe, Harvey Milk was still alive, Fantasy Island had just aired its first episode, and NRA board member Ted Nugent autographed a fan's arm with his knife.  Here in Portland, we were treated to an unexpected pre-storm storm that dropped six inches by noon.  By the time it's all over we may have to use a car-sniffing dog to locate our ride:

Satellite image of the Winter Storm of 2013--Feb. 8.
Nothing to see here,
please move along.
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“We’re still going to be measuring this in feet not inches by the time it’s over,” said Mike Cempa with the National Weather Service in Gray. …

Steady snowfall proved problematic for morning commuters, especially on Interstate 295 southbound. A 19-car pileup at about 7:30 a.m. near Exit 11 in Falmouth slowed traffic for about four hours before the road was cleared. Only minor injuries were reported, according to emergency officials. Numerous other accidents were reported across the state but none that involved serious injuries

Cempa said snowfall has been heavier Friday, especially in coastal areas, because of the combination of cold air over warm water.

Our tea party governor, Paul LePage, sprang into action and issued a stern bulletin to motorists: "Use your head---Stay off the roads. Drive only on the sidewalks."  We're so screwed.

CHEERS to second chances.  If 2013 hasn't gotten off to a good enough start for ya, here's good news: Sunday we all get a do-over with the start of the Chinese New Year---4711.  Specifically, it's the Year of the Snake:

Frmer WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers
Another snake: WorldCom
CEO/crook Bernie Ebbers
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The leading characteristic that best describes the snake?  Self-reliance.
With a natural aversion to seeking others'' counsel, snakes often are thought of as cold and calculating.  More often, they are just being extremely careful before embarking on a goal without planning everything out to the last detail.

… In love, snakes can be possessive and, when hurt, may become remote and suspicious.  And whether its personal or business relationship---woe to those who seriously cross them. The vengeful snake will immediately begin hatching a plot to strike back.

If you were born in 1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989 or 2001, you are a snake.  True fact: Dick Cheney was born during the year of the snake.  Or as they call that in Hollywood: typecasting.

CHEERS to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.  It's no secret at this point that Scott Brown isn’t running for John Kerry's old Senate seat.  But, apparently, no one else wants to run, either---at least not that I've heard.  Damndest thing.  Brown is out.  Weld is out.  Schmuckatella is out.  Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are out.  Looking at my watch, it appears to be time for Republicans to read the writing on the wall that says, IN CASE OF RECRUITMENT FAIL, BREAK GLASS AND TURN THIS GUY LOOSE:

Alan Keyes publicity photo
Alan Keyes. Bless his heart.
You'll find your soapbox waiting outside Faneuil Hall, Al.  Don't hold back.

CHEERS to partly sunny skies with a chance of partly cloudy skies.  As we're digging out of our worst Maine snowstorm in recent memory, we'll toss a few scoops of power in the direction of the National Weather Service, which turns 143 tomorrow.  Today when meteorologists predict gloom and doom it often turns out to be sunny, and when they predict sunshine it often turns out to be gloomy and doomy.  No wonder Congress keeps trying to slash their budget---no one likes a copycat.

Cover of Michelle Obama's book
Barack has two 'Spoken Word'
Grammys. Michelle may get
one of her own on Sunday.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Even if the winter storm knocks out power, we can still count on our candle-powered TV to keep us placated this weekend, starting with an interesting lineup on HBO's Real Time---Bill Maher talks with Julian Assange (presumably by satellite), Martin Bashir, Josh Barro, theoretical physicist Lawrence Krauss and Tina Brown.  The most noteworthy DVD release is Flight with Oscar-nominated Denzel Washington.  Justin Bieber hosts SNL.  On 60 Minutes: the chilling account of the Algerian gas-plant terrorist attack from three American survivors.  And the Grammy Awards round out the weekend.  The most interesting category for me is "Spoken Word," with Michelle Obama, Bill Clinton, Ellen DeGeneres, Janis Ian and Rachel Maddow scratching and clawing each other for spoken-word dominance---my money's on Michelle.

Gloria Steinem and Marlo Thomas take a seat at the table tomorrow morning on Up! With Chris Hayes, and Paul Krugman drops in on the Sunday edition.  On PBS's Bill Moyers & Company, internet scholar Susan Crawford talks about the telecoms strangehold on broadband access, and author Nick Turse reveals his effort to craft a fully-rounded account of the Vietnam War.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: House Majority Leader Eric Cantor on the future of the GOP (Spoiler Alert: bleak); Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) on the future of the Democratic party (Spoiler Alert: bright!); roundtable with Mike Murphy, Gavin Newsom, concern troll Peggy Noonan, NBC news reporter Michael Isikoff, and Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed.

This Week: Whee---a roundtable is the most creative thing they could think of this week: Reps. Tom Cole (R-OK) and Keith Ellison (D-MN), Nicolle Wallace, Stephanie Cutter, Jonathan Karl and Martha Raddatz.

John McCain will be on "Fox
News Sunday" to blame the
2013 blizzard on Susan Rice.
Face the Nation: Sens. Jack Reed (D-RI) and Lindsay Graham (R-Fussytown) on drones and such; Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI), Jane Harman (Woodrow Wilson Center), Jim Lewis (Center for Strategic and International Studies) and CBS News' Bob Orr on cyber warfare; political thises and thatses with David Leonhardt (NYT) and Kevin Merida (WaPost).

CNN's State of the Union: Senator Angus "Mustache of Independence" King (I-ME); Sen. Rand "To Turkey???" Paul (R-KY); former Defense Secretary Robert Gates; roundtable with Rep. Jan Schakowsky (D-IL), Kay Bailey Hutchison, Cook Political Report's Amy Walter, and CNN's Jim Acosta.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: This weekend it's Chris Wallace's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping.  House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi pounds some rhetorical sense into the right-wingers' heads---and moments later it all falls out of the right-wingers' heads.  Roundtable with Kevin Madden, Nina Easton, Laura Ingraham and Evan Bayh.  And special guests Sarah Palin and Dick Morris will say intelligent things---Ha Ha Ha, naw, just kidding, they're fired.

As always…happy viewing!

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Five years ago in C&J: February 8, 2008

JEERS to going out in style...if by style you mean as a fear-mongering asshole.  Mitt Romney cut and ran yesterday like the yellow-bellied, lily-livered coward we always suspected he was.  In a classic moment of projection, he said that he was surrendering because he was scared that he might, um, have to surrender:

"If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win.  And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."
He went on to say that, under Democratic leadership, America would become "the France of the 21st century."  Yeah, because it's been so much fun spending the last eight years as the Russia of the 20th.

JEERS to statements that instantly cure constipation.  George W. Bush appeared at the CPAC orc-fest this morning and said that Dick Cheney "is the best vice president in history."  Really?  Better than Jefferson and Teddy Roosevelt, who both appear on Mount Rushmore?  Better than Harry Truman?  Better than his own dad???  That's gonna be an awkward moment at the next family picnic.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to Maestro Numero Uno.  Happy birthday to 21-time Grammy winner, 5-time Oscar winner, and rock-ribbed dirty fucking hippie Democrat John Williams, who turns 81 today.  Over a span of fifty-plus years he's given us:

Composer John Williams
Happy Birthday, maestro!
>> One iconic theme for NBC Nightly News
>> Two Jaws scores
>> Three Harry Potter scores
>> Four Indiana Jones scores
>> Five themes for various Olympic Games
>> Six Star Wars scores
>> 12 years as conductor of the Boston Pops
>> 20 scores for episodes of Gilligan's Island
>> 26 scores for Steven Spielberg movies
He's also composed music involving a gaggle of American presidents: John F. Kennedy (JFK), John Quincy Adams/Martin Van Buren (Amistad), Tricky Dick (Nixon), Obama (a piece for the first inauguration, in which he expressed "in a very simple and not ostentatious way the solemnity and beauty of the moment and the promise of the moment"), and the subject of Academy Award nomination #48---Lincoln---for which he stands a very good chance of winning Oscar #6.  And who knew that Darth Vader's theme would one day accompany a little kid's attempt to master The Force in a Volkswagen TV commercial that would become an instant classic?

Happy birthday, Maestro...and many blessings on your cowbell.

And with that, the weekend begins.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Poll

Who won the week?

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