OK

Last night, Stephen Colbert looked at how the RNC is trying to rebrand itself, and how Karl Rove's Conservative Victory Project is trying to do something about it.

Now, just to plot their path back to power in 2014, the GOP recently held a 3-day conference in Williamsburg, Virginia, which I think is the perfect location, because the Republican platform also re-enacts the 18th century.  Now, they said that they went there for a little "self-reflection", which is exactly what men inspired by Ayn Rand need, more time thinking about themselves.

....

Because according to RNC chair Reince Priebus — fun fact, his name is an anagram for Penis Rice-A-Roni — he says the GOP does not need to change on any of the issues.  They just need to be a party "that smiles".

Yes, they just need to smile.  Present the same core message, but in a more pleasant manner.  I'll show you how it works with one of their misunderstood talking points from the last election.

"If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

....

You see, Karl's bogus claim here is that Tea Partiers cost Republicans winnable races by backing polarizing candidates like Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin and Richard "Somehow Even Worse on Rape" Mourdock.  Meanwhile, the manatee with the plan-atee wants the party to get behind the kind of mainstream electable Republicans he's backed, like "near-winner" Connie Mack, "strong runner-up" Linda McMahon, "so close but didn't get it" George Allen, "got his fine white ass handed to him" Scott Brown, and of course... that guy.  What is... what is his name?  I just... Blake Lively?

....

Clearly, ladies and gentlemen, the Republican Party is tearing itself in half.  I guess nobody out there remembers this guy, Ronald Reagan — the white Marco Rubio.  Reagan had a little something called the 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Well, that's all over now, and that can mean only one thing.

MICHAEL SMERCONISH (2/7/2013): Civil war, among establishment and Tea Party Republicans.

LAWRENCE O'DONNELL (2/7/2013): The president of Citizens United declared, "the civil war has begun".

REV. AL SHARPTON (2/4/2013): It's full-on GOP warfare.  It's GOP civil war.

Yes, GOP civil war.  Of course, the first thing they will have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag.  So ladies and gentlemen, as a conservative, I guess I have to pick sides.  I mean, Karl and I have always had some good times — I mean, we buried that hooker.  (wistful look)

But deep down, I guess my heart is with the Tea Party.  Well, maybe not my heart.  Whatever organ produces bile.  Um, gallbladder, I guess.  Because I believe Republicans cannot wuss out here.  Republicans need to charge ahead and take even more conservative positions in 2014.

Forget embracing Latinos, we need a program to shoot them into space!  Let's give them a pathway into low orbit.  And gays should not be allowed to marry — or vote!  I, for one, don't want sloppy seconds on their lever-yanking.  And I believe all women should have mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds before they can get a driver's license.  Hey, nobody's happy with their picture anyway.

Now, are these extreme positions?  Maybe.  Can we really win the election by giving the voters more of what they didn't want last time?  No... unless we smile when we say it.

Video and full transcript below the fold.

And folks, I gotta tell you, it's not just the Presidency they lost.  The Republicans also lost seats in the Senate, lost the popular vote in the House, and briefly lost Paul Ryan in the mall.  He was supposed to hold on to his mother's hand!  They found him busting a union at the bill Rivera workshop.

But folks, the RNC, the Republican National Committee, is doing something about this problem.

BRET BAIER (1/24/2013): The RNC is doing a major autopsy on 2012.

MICHAEL STEELE (1/18/2013): The RNC is coming up with some kind of autopsy of the last election.

RNC CHAIR REINCE PRIEBUS (11/28/2012): You've got to look at and do a full autopsy.

Yes, a full autopsy.  Which is also the Republican alternative to Obamacare.

Now, just to plot their path back to power in 2014, the GOP recently held a 3-day conference in Williamsburg, Virginia, which I think is the perfect location, because the Republican platform also re-enacts the 18th century.  Now, they said that they went there for a little "self-reflection", which is exactly what men inspired by Ayn Rand need, more time thinking about themselves.

And they also took time to reach out to the voters with a web survey asking how they can improve their messaging.  And folks, a computerized web survey is the perfect way to hear from the Republicans' core constituency, the extremely old.  The #1 suggestion so far is, "Hello?  Hello?  How does this thing make toast?"  (audience cheering)

After that, the GOP, they crunched the numbers, OK?  And they figured out what they needed to change about their views toward women, immigration, and tax cuts for the rich.  And the answer was... nothing.  It's a blank piece of paper.  There's nothing on here.  Because according to RNC chair Reince Priebus — fun fact, his name is an anagram for Penis Rice-A-Roni — he says the GOP does not need to change on any of the issues.  They just need to be a party "that smiles".

Yes, they just need to smile.  Present the same core message, but in a more pleasant manner.  I'll show you how it works with one of their misunderstood talking points from the last election.

"If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

So folks, Republicans have clearly got 2014 in the bag.  Or they would, if not for political strategist and unlanced boil Karl Rove.  You see, instead of joining his fellow Republicans in learning nothing from the last election, Karl has turned on them.

TAMRON HALL (2/5/2013): Karl Rove, launching an effort called the Conservative Victory Project, to keep less-electable conservative Republicans from winning primaries.

LAWRENCE O'DONNELL (2/7/2013): Rove announced his new super PAC aimed at crushing Tea Party Republicans.

KARL ROVE (2/6/2013): Our job ... is to win races by stopping the practice of giving away some of these seats like we did in Missouri and in Indiana this past year.

You see, Karl's bogus claim here is that Tea Partiers cost Republicans winnable races by backing polarizing candidates like Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin and Richard "Somehow Even Worse on Rape" Mourdock.  Meanwhile, the manatee with the plan-atee wants the party to get behind the kind of mainstream electable Republicans he's backed, like "near-winner" Connie Mack, "strong runner-up" Linda McMahon, "so close but didn't get it" George Allen, "got his fine white ass handed to him" Scott Brown, and of course... that guy.  What is... what is his name?  I just... Blake Lively?

Rove's already got the knives out for two Tea Party Senate hopefuls: Iowa Congressman and alleged cornpacker Steve King, and Georgia Congressman Paul Broun, who, despite being a medical doctor, said this.

REP. PAUL BROUN, R-GA (9/27/2012): God's word is true.  I've come to understand that.  All that stuff I was taught about evolution, embryology, Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of hell.
And Paul Broun clearly knows the pits of hell, because that is evidently where he is speaking from.  (audience applause)

Well, folks, the Tea Party is not going to take Karl's new stab you in the back super PAC lying down.  Tea Party activist Erick Erickson says:

ERICK ERICKSON (2/4/2013): I dare say any candidate who gets this group's support should be targeted for destruction by the conservative movement.
That's right, Karl.  You cross the Tea Party, and you could end up like the last candidate they targeted for destruction: Barack Obama.  (audience laughter and applause)  Think about it.

Clearly, ladies and gentlemen, the Republican Party is tearing itself in half.  I guess nobody out there remembers this guy, Ronald Reagan — the white Marco Rubio.  Reagan had a little something called the 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Well, that's all over now, and that can mean only one thing.

MICHAEL SMERCONISH (2/7/2013): Civil war, among establishment and Tea Party Republicans.

LAWRENCE O'DONNELL (2/7/2013): The president of Citizens United declared, "the civil war has begun".

REV. AL SHARPTON (2/4/2013): It's full-on GOP warfare.  It's GOP civil war.

Yes, GOP civil war.  Of course, the first thing they will have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag.  So ladies and gentlemen, as a conservative, I guess I have to pick sides.  I mean, Karl and I have always had some good times — I mean, we buried that hooker.  (wistful look)

But deep down, I guess my heart is with the Tea Party.  Well, maybe not my heart.  Whatever organ produces bile.  Um, gallbladder, I guess.  Because I believe Republicans cannot wuss out here.  Republicans need to charge ahead and take even more conservative positions in 2014.

Forget embracing Latinos, we need a program to shoot them into space!  Let's give them a pathway into low orbit.  And gays should not be allowed to marry — or vote!  I, for one, don't want sloppy seconds on their lever-yanking.  And I believe all women should have mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds before they can get a driver's license.  Hey, nobody's happy with their picture anyway.

Now, are these extreme positions?  Maybe.  Can we really win the election by giving the voters more of what they didn't want last time?  No... unless we smile when we say it.  We'll be right back.

Stephen then noted how Steven Seagal is helping Sheriff Joe Arpaio with his armed posses.
Meanwhile, Jon blasted Dick Cheney for rearing his ugly head again over torture, and warned of North Korea's nuclear test.
Lewis Black then had another Back in Black segment about all these Hollywood action stars suddenly giving their opinions on gun control.
Stephen talked with editor Roger Hodge, and Jon talked with former baseball catcher Mike Piazza.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Wed Feb 13, 2013 at 05:00 AM PST.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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