Great news, America!  We're Number 1!  Again.  You already knew that, I know, but you won't like this one.  We are the most sexually repressed country in the world.  Maybe you're thinking that you didn't get the memo.  Surely, a study showing this would have been the headline at Huffpo.  Okay, so I'm not basing this on any study.  I have ample evidence to support my claim (maybe ample was a bad choice of words here).

Exhibit A comes courtesy of Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli.  He has just asked the 4th Circuit of the US Court of Appeals to reinstate their anti-sodomy law.  Irony alert- It's Virginia!  Apparently, Virginia is for lovers only when they do it missionary.  The colony named to honor the Virgin Queen is taking its duty way to seriously.  To Cucinelli's and Virginia's credit, I must admit that at least this is not an anti-gay law, applying to consenting heterosexual couples as well.  This actually does more to prove my point.

Here's the thing.  These are Republicans we are talking about.  Patriotic defenders of freedom who believe in limited government and are armed with the secret knowledge of the Founding Fathers' intentions.  Why would people who believe that they have a right to military style assault weapons to protect themselves from a tyrannical government not believe that they also have a right to privacy?  What are all those guns protecting?

The short answer is, "It's all about sex."  You see, in Right Wing World, America is a Christian Nation.  That freedom of religion thing mentioned in the 1st Amendment to the Sacred Constitution only applies to Christianity.  Apparently, American values are then by definition Christian values, and Christians only have sex to make babies.

Privacy is a bad thing because liberal activist judges used it to justify the right to use contraception in Griswold V. Connecticut, and then used that precedent in Roe V. Wade legalizing abortion.  Privacy allows for the decision in Lawrence V. Texas which struck down the Texas anti-sodomy law.  Enlightened Right Wing Nuts have no problem with homosexuals, only homosexual acts.

Personally, my favorite unalienable right is the pursuit of happiness.  Sex is a great way to pursue happiness if you do it right.  It's even pretty good when you don't do it right.  Republicans, however, want sex to have consequences.  Well, they want it to have consequences when they're not the ones getting it.  So, for example, and anti-abortion elected official has no problem paying for one when he impregnates a staffer to whom he's not married.

Don't vaccinate your daughter against Human Papillova Virus because she'll have sex. Women who have sex are sluts.  They cry rape to get free abortions.  Don't make condoms available because you'll encourage those slutty women to have sex.  Don't let them know that using condoms helps prevent disease- that'll only encourage them to have sex.  Can you believe that Janet Jackson showed her nipple on TV?  I can't begin to tell you how much sex happened as a result.  These slutty sluts are so slutty that they don't care if they get pregnant, they'll just get an abortion when the pregnancy interferes with them getting more sex.

I want a constitutional amendment barring Congress from passing a law preventing me from getting laid.  If pork is defined as congressional spending in someone else's district, then a slut is defined as a woman who's sleeping with someone who's not me.  And, if you remove the sex from homosexual, we can all go back to being happy and gay.


Originally posted to Woody25 on Thu Apr 04, 2013 at 12:34 PM PDT.

Also republished by Sex, Body, and Gender.


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