OK

So today started with more screaming.

But I will be going home.

I sent off for the records pertaining to my license and have to wait for that to come in - my car is permanently blocked into the driveway until that is resolved.  My enrollment in the tae kwon do class was cancelled because I can't drive myself there - classes started back tonight, but they got the tuition refunded today.

I told my Mum I wanted to go home.  I see no reason to stay here and be screamed at - it doesn't help me recover and it's doing no one any good.  They had some sort of conference between them and decided I can go.

I have to wait for the information and they will sort out whatever is needed on the license, after that they will be giving me the rest of the money needed to get home - and I'm gone.

I came here with hope.  Hope that things could be different, that there was more to them than screaming and violence and threats and memory.  That we could get to know one another again and appreciate each other.  But while I love them and they love me - we have no common ground other than genetics.  Our world views are too different, our needs, our goals - none of them mesh.  

I believe in there is a basic goodness in people, that community and country are built together, not by exclusion - that fear is a poison.  They believe that force is the answer for anything they fear - and that fear permeates every segment of their lives.  There is no way to come together in this - I will not FOX, they will not turn it off.  So we simply have to be who we are apart, as we were.

I don't regret the time I spent here, but it is tinged with a bittersweet longing for it to have been brighter.  I have definitely benefited - in seeing that there are things I can only accept, not change.  In knowing that they did try as best they knew how to make things better for me - giving me the help that matters in the world they live in and allowing me time to stop just surviving and regroup.  I found a really good doctor working hard for the poor and the sick - and he put me back on track to being as whole as I can be.  And I learned you can come home - but it doesn't fix the wounds, nor does time.  Only acceptance of people for who they are and forgiveness does that.

I am going home.

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