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Super Bowl XLVII promotional image featuring Lombari Trophy flanked by logos for the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens
Oh, Mark Sanford was ready for some football
Oh boy. Here we go. By now you've surely read about the incendiary charges that Jenny Sanford has leveled in court against her ex-husband, Republican candidate Mark Sanford—namely, that he trespassed at her home back in February, violating the terms of their divorce agreement. Well, Mark Sanford has now released a statement, and he's not denying anything:
"It's an unfortunate reality that divorced couples sometimes have disagreements that spill over into family court. I did indeed watch the second half of the Super Bowl at the beach house with our 14 year old son because as a father I didn't think he should watch it alone. Given she was out of town I tried to reach her beforehand to tell her of the situation that had arisen, and met her at the back steps under the light of my cell phone when she returned and told her what had happened."

"There is always another side to every story, and while I am particularly curious how records that were sealed to avoid the boys dealing with embarrassment are now somehow exposed less than three weeks before this election, I agree with Jenny that the media is no place to debate what is ultimately a family court matter, and out of respect for Jenny and the boys, I'm not going to have any further comment at this time."

Man. Where to even begin? Well, I'll try:
  • A 14-year-old boy should not watch the Super Bowl alone? Really? Seriously? And if this was such an emergency, why didn't Sanford come over before kickoff? Well, maybe he worried his teenage son would get scared during the third-quarter blackout.
  • "The beach house." Oh no. This was not the right thing to say. It's indisputably Jenny Sanford's beach house, and for Mark to refer to it with the article "the" (as opposed to saying "her") demonstrates he hasn't internalized the fact that it's not his freakin' house anymore. If I were Jenny, I'd be extra-pissed at that.
  • "The situation that had arisen." You mean the terrifying "14-year-old boy might watch the Super Bowl alone" situation? Dear God, man, you saved your son from his terrible mother! He might have grown up to be a stone-cold killer without this needed parental intervention. Or a chronic trail hiker.
  • Why the hell didn't you invite your son to your own house, dumbass?
  • So Mark called Jenny ("tried to reach her beforehand") to let her know he wanted to come over to watch some football with his boy ("the situation that had arisen"), meaning he knew he needed permission to visit. Yet despite seeking and failing to obtain that permission, he went over anyway. Definitely some serious mens rea going on here.
  • Wait a second! If Jenny was "out of town," was it just Mark's very bad luck that she happened to show up just as he was leaving? If so, busted! If not, and she was just down the street visiting a friend, say, then Mark looks like an even bigger liar.
  • "Under the light of my cell phone." Now that is some seriously chutzpahdik shit right there—almost poetic, even. What's hilarious is that this confirms, down to the very last detail, that everything in Jenny Sanford's complaint was cold, hard fact. Mark was trying to sneak out without turning on any house lights, meaning he knew Jenny could return at any moment. But she saw the flickering of his illuminated cell phone and was undoubtedly suspicious. Mark is lucky Jenny didn't figure him for an intruder and, oh, I dunno, shoot him?

As for that second graf—that whole "another side to every story" bit—well, it's quite clear that there is no other side to this tale. Sanford admits to visiting his ex-wife's home without securing her permission (aka "trespassing"), and acknowledges that he tried to slip out the back door using only his cell phone to light the way. The only "detail" he adds that we didn't know on Tuesday night is his alleged reason for showing up at Jenny Sanford's home, which is not only comically bogus but I'm also sure does not constitute an acceptable excuse for violating the couple's divorce agreement. (I'm assuming there's no "NFL exemption" tucked away in there somewhere.)

All I can say is, bless the Republican Party. Their unquenchable desire to keep embracing obvious fuckups who have every reason to give them grief is one of the greatest things in this country. That, and the Appalachian Trail.

11:35 AM PT: Holy smokes! Politico reports that the NRCC is planning to cut Sanford loose—that is to say, they won't support him in the upcoming special election! Wow! What an unbelievable act of triage, though with Sanford, anything can happen. Of course, other outside Republican groups may still get involved, but this is a humiliating disaster for the GOP.

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