Well. Looks like the party of family values has scored another victory. The genteel GOP of South Carolina has celebrated their family values by electing an adulterous, lying, thieving-from-taxpayers housebreaker to represent them in the severely flawed House. We of FLAW reject this craven embrace of all that we reject, namely the rejection of "family values" by the "party of family values." We will admit to choking on this phrase, since Weiner and his weiner, as well as Spitzer and his spitfire, abruptly departed after their peccadillos were exposed. We consulted the Book of Fallopians for verses to soothe the troubled beasts in our savage breasts. Or the savage beasts in our troubled breasts.
Travel below the tangled mess of my formerly orange hair to see what we found.
"Thou shalt not loudly trumpet a 'pro-life' stance while ordering thy mistress to abort" Fallopians 16:23
"Thou shalt not ask for an open marriage so that thou may cavort with a floozy while one's legally-wed wife is suffering from cancer" Fallopians 7:34
"Thou shalt not abscond with taxpayer money and cavort with a mistress in Argentina while pretending to reflect on your marriage while hiking the Appalachian Trail" Fallopians 6:47
"Thou shalt not make thy wife cry because thou chose thy constituents over your very own son, the fruit of thy loins, and cravenly cast the kill vote for civil unions" Fallopians 8:11
"Thou shalt not make laws affecting body parts that thou do not and shall never possess..." Fallopians 1:34
"Do not lieth with a mistress while thee lieth about hiking." Fallopians 9:48
"Thou shalt not proclaim thyself a 'Christian' while behaving in a manner that would make Jesus weep" Fallopians 3:23
"Thou shalt not loudly berate thy President (Clinton) for infidelity whilst sneakily carrying on an affair with one's aide" Fallopians 10:14
"Thou shalt not loudly proclaim oneself an opponent of gay marriage whilst looking for assignations in airport bathrooms" Fallopians 12:35
"Thou shalt not advocate anti-gay legislation whilst seeking oral sex from undercover police officers" Fallopians 12:46
"If thou art a man, and thou liketh to cavort with a male prostitute whilst thou art dressed in a red negligee, it is wise to carry enough money to pay him. Also, BTW, voting for anti-gay discrimination is hypocritical, in thy case." Fallopians 13:12
"Thou shalt not brag about crapping thy pants to avoid military service, then loudly proclaim thyself to be a patriot" Fallopians 22:3
"Thou shalt not thump thy Bible and rant about homosexuality being an 'abomination' from thy pulpit when thou art enjoying gay sex and crystal meth" a Fallopians 15: 12
"Thou shalt not parade thy heavily mascaraed wife whilst committing adultery with thy secretary" Fallopians 20:18
"Thou shalt not page male pages and exhort them to send naughty pictures when thou art publicly decrying homosexuality" Fallopians 24:15
"Thou shalt not use thy office as a means to harass, threaten, and abuse thy unfortunate female staffers" Fallopians 6:45
"Thou shalt not threaten to derail legislation that supports families, simply because those families don't fit YOUR definition" Fallopians 7:32
"Thou shalt not pass legislation that forces girls and women to give birth, then cravenly howl for cuts in programs that would HELP those families" Fallopians 2:35
"Thou shalt not swim naked with 13-year-old girls whilst running for Governor" Fallopians 2:26
"Marrying thy mistress, while making an 'honest woman' out of her, does not make an honest man out of thee. Thou art still an adulterer" Fallopians 4:65
Thank you to FLAW contributors J.R. Levine (1:34) and Regi S. (9:48)! This diary may be updated later, as more verses occur to us.